


Cas, Actually (Finding Cas)

by benedictcumberbatch_us, tifent16



Series: Cas, Actually (Finding Cas) [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Complete, Destiel - Freeform, Happy Ending, M/M, fallen!cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:50:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benedictcumberbatch_us/pseuds/benedictcumberbatch_us, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tifent16/pseuds/tifent16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>only a few hours after the angels fell, Dean gets a text from a random phone that turns our to be Cas.</p><p>The Texts: http://tifent.tumblr.com/post/54674871104/tifent-this-belongs-to-me-and-my-friend-feel</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Castiel

I woke up in a forest. I knew that much. I ran out and found an open field just in time to see all my brothers fall. All of them. Every single one. They fell like a ton of bright little comets. I can figure that out later, I thought to myself. I needed to find out where I was. I needed to find Dean. But how could I do that when I’m human and powerless? I decided to walk and see if I can find anything I recognize. There were no signs, billboards, or anything to help distinguish where I was. The one thing I did see, though, was perfect. I saw a car, up at the top of the hill. A woman sat in there, with her head down, looking at her phone. She looked out of the car window, looked at her phone once more, and then proceeded to get out of the car. She ran towards the forest, but away from me. Not in terror, but more like she was looking for something.  
I walked up to the car to see if there was any information in the car to help me determine where I was. Luckily for me, the car was unlocked. There was nothing that I could see that said anything about my current location, but there was a phone. I had no money, and I knew this woman did, so I decided that I would take the phone to save myself. The first and only thing I knew I could do was text Dean. Sam had entered it once, and I had it memorized. 720-271-6690. I didn’t call it, because the woman who owned this phone couldn’t be far away, and I didn’t want her to hear me. So I thought I should text it instead.

**Me: Hello Dean**

**Dean: Who is this? How did you get my number?**

Crap, I thought. I should have included my name automatically. Now he probably thinks I’m some creep.

**Me: It’s Castiel. I knew your number already. I saw Sam type it once.**

I noticed he was taking a long time to reply. I started to get worried. Why wasn’t he responding? It was almost as though he didn’t believe me. Either that or he was talking to Sam about it. Either way, I thought I should reassure him.

**Me: It’s really me. I promise.**

**Dean: Cas?! What happened? Are you ok? Where are you? How did you get a phone? Jesus Cas it’s good to hear from you.**

**Me: I’m okay. I don’t know where I am though. I found the phone in a nearby car. It’s telling me I’m in Verizon. Where is that?**

**Dean: Verizon is a phone company, Cas. Look, just find someone, anyone, and ask where you are.**

**Me: There was a woman here earlier but I can’t ask her. I’m pretty confident I just took her phone.**

**Dean: Well what does it look like where you are? Describe it to me.**

I looked around at my surroundings. The place had some trails, lots of trees, and about ten miles away, I could see a large lake. It was either a lake or an ocean. I wasn’t exactly sure.

**Me: There are a lot of trees, some paths to search, and there was a clearing. I saw the shower of falling angels.**

**Dean: I saw it too. We can worry about that later. Right now, we just need to find you. Just follow one of the paths until you find someone. Ask them where you are and how to get out of the woods. Then text me, ok? Just promise me you’ll be careful.**

**Me: I will try.**

**Dean: Ok.**

I put my phone in my back pocket and started following a path. Once I got down the hill a bit, I saw a nice looking family, only one of which I recognized. The mother was blonde and had large blue eyes. She was the one I saw in the car. There were two kids with her, one was a baby girl and the other was a boy, about age eight. She sat next to her husband, who, from a distance, seemed to look a little like me. I knew that I had her phone, but I also knew that I had no other option. I had to go ask where I was. I had to do this for Dean.  
“Hello,” I said when I got there. “Would you mind telling me where I am?”  
“You’re in Crater Lake National Park. In Oregon. How could you not know this yourself?” The man asked as he gave me a strange look, as if I was trying to steal his wife away from him. Although the woman was very beautiful, I would rather have Dean find me.  
“I must have been, uh, very drunk last night,” I said. I had heard Dean say something similar to it to Sam once, though I was still unclear of the word ‘drunk.’ “Well, thanks for letting me know. I have to go now,” I said. I wanted to leave before they could hear the phone that was buzzing in my pocket. The look on the mans’ face told me that he was relieved I had left, while the look on my face probably showed relief that they did not ask me any more questions. When I pulled out the phone, I had two missed messages.

**Emily: Hey, Olivia, do you want to come over tonight? Feel free to bring the husband and kids. :)**

**Dean: What happened with Metatron?**

**I knew it was not up to me to answer this “Emily” girl, but I did have to answer Dean.**

**Me; He killed Naomi. He held a knife to my throat and then pinned me to a chair. And then he took something of mine.**

**Dean: What did he take?**

I sighed out loud, knowing I would have to answer him one way or another. I wasn’t sure how to phrase the words. I knew that no matter how I phrased the words, I would never, ever, be able to say it in a way that wouldn’t hurt Dean. I decided to just come right out and say it.

**Me: Dean, I’m not an angel anymore.**

**Dean: He took your grace?**

**Me: Yes. That’s why I haven’t found you yet. But I know where I am.**

**Dean: Where?**

**Me: Oregon.**

**Dean: Jesus... ok can you be more specific?**

**Me: I’m in a forest about ten miles from Crater Lake.**

Dean: Ok, ok. Here’s what we’re going to do. I want you to head East. Head towards Kansas. Hitch rides, walk, and sleep in homeless shelters. Text me whenever you can. I’m going to head in that direction, and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle. It’s going to be ok, Cas. I’ll find you. For now, try to find a place. A city, town, maybe even a cabin. For Christ’s sake, don’t forget to eat and sleep. Get as much help as you can.

**Me: Hurry, Dean.**

**Dean: I’m starting the car now. I have some changes of clothes for you. It’s going to be a few days though, Cas. But I will find you, ok?**

**Me: Okay. Is Sam with you?**

**Dean: No. Sammy’s not doing too good. He needs to get better. But we have Kevin taking care of him and Crowley.**

**Me: Crowley? He wasn’t sent to Hell?**

**Dean: We didn’t close the gates, Cas. Sam would die if he completed the trials. Sam is recovering and Crowley is... It’s like he’s halfway between human and demon.**

**Me: Is Crowley in chains?**

**Dean: He’s in one of the bedrooms. he’s free to walk around, but his hands are cuffed with iron handcuffs. And they have protection symbols. He’s powerless.**

**Me: Good.**

**Dean: How are you, Cas? Are you hurt?**

I had a hard time deciding what to tell him. I wasn’t hurt physically, no. But What I had to endure definitely changed me. I couldn’t have Dean worry about me though. I’m the one who’s supposed to look after him. I decided that I shouldn’t worry him.

**Me: No, i’m fine.**

**Dean: Ok. If anything happens, just tell me. Just ask.**

I understood that for a while, the Winchesters thought I was gone, but Dean was worrying about me a little more than I expected he would. I thought it was strange. While I appreciated his hospitality, it was strangely out of character.

**Me: Okay. How far away are you?**

**Dean: I’m in Kansas. Almost on the other side of the country.**

**Me: Why don’t you just use an airplane?**

I felt like Dean was hiding something from me. Even when it was me, Dean, and Sam, we never flew anywhere. I always wondered why, but never bothered to ask. This time, though, I was curious enough to ask.

**Dean: I hadn’t really thought of that...**

**Me: Are there no airplane stations around you?**

**Dean: They’re called airports, Cas.**

Crap. I thought. He thinks i’m an idiot now. Although I didn’t want Dean thinking less of me now that I was human, I knew that I couldn’t worry about that yet. I stumbled upon what looked like a hotel. I had never personally stayed in one before, but I knew what they looked like because Sam and Dean had stayed in them loads of times.  
I walked up to the lady at the front desk and explained my situation.  
“I’m Castiel. I do not have a home or any money. Is there any way I could stay here until I get picked up?”  
“Sure,” the woman said. “I’m Teresa. I’d love to help you out.”  
“Thank you,” I nodded. She smiled and giggled a little. Then, she did something I swear Dean has done before. She seemed to blink at me with one eye.  
“You can stay on the main level floor, room eight,” she said. “Here’s your key.”  
She grabbed my hand slightly as I grabbed the key. I pulled away rather quickly and looked down.  
“Thanks,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say. I also didn’t know why she was being so nice to me. But at this point, caring was beyond me. I just needed a place to sleep or Dean would worry. I realized I had forgotten to text Dean back. But I thought it was rude to text in front of someone, so I had to get rid of her, at least for a moment.  
“Would you mind grabbing me a cup of water? I haven’t drank anything in a very long time.”  
“Of course!”  
She left and I sighed from relief. She made me a little bit uncomfortable.

**Me: Whatever. I found a hotel. The lady at the front desk said she would help me.**

**Dean: Is she letting you stay for free?**

**Me: Yes. She said I could only stay for the night, but that she will give me food and water. Then she blinked at me with one eye. It was odd.**

**Dean: Oh. You might want to be careful with her.**

I looked up at the woman, through a window to the kitchen, who was still brewing the fresh pot of coffee. She didn’t notice me looking at her, so I went back to my phone.

**Me: Why?**

**Dean: She winked at you. That’s what it’s called when someone blinks with one eye. She’s flirting with you. She thinks you’re going to spend the night with her.**

**I looked up at her again. Just in time, too. She stuck her head out of the kitchen door and asked me if I wanted cream and sugar. I nodded, and looked back at my phone.**

**Me: Well, I am going to spend the night with her.**

**Dean: Do I have to spell everything out for you? She wants to have sex with you, Cas. Jesus...**

His response made me feel uncomfortable for a few reasons. First of all, the realization of this women's’ intentions hadn’t occurred to me until just now. Second of all, he said “Jesus.” My half-brother did not need to be a part of this. Sometimes, Dean didn’t know what was acceptable versus unacceptable.

**Me: Why are you bringing my half-brother into this?**

**Dean: I’m not. Just... Never mind. It’s not important. Just don’t sleep with her.**

I wasn’t planning on it either way, but why was Dean getting so defensive? It was almost as if he was protecting me from something. Or maybe he was protecting himself. But in order for Dean to care about this personally, he would have had to be jealous, right? Envy was common among human kind. But that would mean that Dean loved me. And I knew for a fact that Dean was not gay. Either way, I decided to press the issue.

**Me: Why does it matter if I do?**

**Dean: Just don’t do it, Cas!**

**That’s definitely weird. I thought. But if Dean thinks it’s a bad idea, it probably is.**

**Me: Fine. I won’t.**

**Dean: Ok. Good.**

I decided to leave it at that. Replying to Dean while he was driving could cause a wreck. I did not want Dean to wreck the car. The car... was his baby. He loved his car more than any woman he’d ever met. And frankly, I was a bit envious.  
I walked to the back, where the woman said my room was, thinking that it was possible she could bring my coffee to the room. I really just wanted to relax. I had had a rough day.  
I decided to sit down and try to work the television. I had seen Dean and Sam turn on the television a few times at the other hotels. I pressed the big button on the television and sat down. I hadn't known how to even attempt on changing the channel, so I settled on what was on. I didn’t know the name, but my guess is that it was an old-fashioned soap opera. Not five minutes later, there was a knock on my room door. I opened it and saw the woman standing there, with a hot cup of coffee. But she was different than when I saw her last.  
She was no longer wearing the hotel uniform that she had on earlier. She was wearing a thin, see-through, short dress made of black lace. Lingerie? Are you serious? I thought. I looked down and hoped she couldn’t see the erection I had developed just by looking at her. She was very pretty, no doubt, but Dean told me no. He said it was a bad idea, and I intended on listening to him. I trusted Dean more than anyone. I took the coffee from her hands, took a sip, and set it on the table next to the bed. She took that as an invitation. She glided in the room, almost flying, and shoved me down on the bed. My erection only grew stronger with the closer she got to me. She was laying on top of me, kissing my neck. I wanted her to stop, for Dean’s sake, but I couldn’t find the words. I was speechless. This had never happened to me before. I knew where this was headed, but I’d always been terrified of this. My eyes were huge and I knew I looked scared. finally, I was able to put sounds together.  
“I’m -” I said, trying to find the right words. “In- in a re- relationship,” I said, stuttering. It worked, though, she backed off, angry.  
“What?!”  
“I’m sorry, but I am faithful to Dean,” I said, spitting out the first name that popped into my head. I knew that if Dean found out, he would be very angry. But that was the only option, other than succuming to her.  
“You’re GAY?!” She exclaimed, louder this time. I flinched a bit at the word ‘gay’ because it had never been used to describe me before.  
“I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. But I am currently with someone. So if you could please respect my wishes and leave the premises, I would be very thankful to you.”  
She stomped the entire walk to the door. I was glad we were on the ground floor, otherwise the people below us would have been upset. Right before she went out the door, She said, “You leave tomorrow morning.”  
I sighed as she left. I sat down in the bed and looked down. I still had an erection. I knew that Dean was good at getting rid of them, but I didn’t want to bother him, so I layed back down on the bed. The soap opera was still playing.  
About seven minutes later, I still had the erection. Without Dean, There was no way I could get rid of this. So, I decided to text him.

**Me: Dean, there is a problem.**

**Dean: What? What happened? Are you ok?**

**I realized that I probably could have phrased the text in a different way. Or at least one that wouldn’t scare him so badly.**

**Me: I seem to have an erection.**

He didn’t reply as quickly as he usually did, which worried me a bit. I started to worry that maybe I had shared too much with him. I sighed, still staring at the phone. That was when the text came in.

**Dean: Ok... I don’t really know how to help you with this... How exactly did this happen?**

I wasn’t sure how much to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him that the entire hotel thought we were in a homosexual relationship. That would offend him. I didn’t want to tell him that she had layed on top of me, that would make him angry. I decided to stick to the bare minimum.

**Me: The woman. She came up wearing lingerie.**

**Dean: Uh... Is she still there?**

**Me: No, I told her I was not single.**

**Dean: Ok... well. You could try a cold shower, or you could just... handle it yourself.**

I debated texting back saying something like: If I thought I could handle it myself, do you think I’d still be telling you? But instead, I took the nicer approach.

**Me: How do I do that?**

I hated having to ask, especially considering that this was probably an uncomfortable topic for him, but I wanted to know. Actually, I needed to know.

**Dean: Um... Jerk off...?**

Jerk... off...? Jerk. Why was he insulting me at a time like this? That was not nice of him to say. I sighed, frustrated, and looked down again. I was desperate.

**Me: Are you insulting me?**

**Dean: Just go take a cold shower.**

I sighed, realizing that Dean was starting to sound very upset with me. I went to the shower, took off my coat and laid it down on the bathroom counter. I took off the rest of my clothes and set them on the bed, neatly folded. I went to the knob that I knew turned on the water and looked at it, confused. How do I deal with this?

**Me: Okay. How do I get the water to come out?**

**Dean: Depends on the type of shower. There should be a knob thing at one end of the shower. Try pulling or twisting it. Water should start to come out.**

I looked at the knob again. It looked like I was supposed to turn it. I turned it slightly, assuming that the blue color meant cold.

**Me: It worked. I must go now.**  
 **Dean: Ok.**

I sighed again and stepped into the shower. The water felt really cold on my back, so I turned around. I felt it dripping down onto my extreme erection. The water was nearly freezing, but it didn’t seem to be working. I decided to distract myself from it by washing my hair and body.  
I stepped out and grabbed the towel. Sadly enough, you could still see the erection through the towel. I sat down, embarrassed, and texted Dean.

**Me: It didn’t work.**

**Dean: Was the water cold?**

I hadn’t thought about whether the water was cold enough or not, but it was as cold as it could get, so I had assumed so.

**Me: Yes.**

**Dean: Shit. Ok, you have to handle it yourself, then.**

**Me: How?**

**Dean: Masturbate, Cas.**

I had heard of masturbation before, but I had never seen it before because it was frowned upon in heaven. I had to face facts: I am not a very good human.

**Me: How do I do that?**

**Dean: ...You don’t know how?**

**Me: My father frowns upon masturbation. Angels are forbidden from it. So no, I don’t know how.**

**Dean: Ok. Just... Pull down your pants and boxers and just... touch yourself. Do whatever feels good.**

**Me: That’s a strange way of doing things. But okay.**

I didn’t bother to tell Dean that after the shower, I wasn’t wearing clothes still. I dropped the towel that was wrapped around me and layed down. I stared at my penis, wondering why it wouldn’t just go down. I started to try to force it down. I pushed down on it with both hands, but every time I did that, it popped right back up. Then I tried to poke it. I watched it move whenever I poked at it, but it was still very hard. I wrapped my hand around it, and realized that felt really good. I started to go up and down with my hand. It was helping a little, but how long was I supposed to do this? I let out a little noise when I felt something white rush out. It was almost like urinating, but it felt a lot better.

**Me: How long am I supposed to do this?**

**Dean: Until you come.**

**Me: Come? Um, well, is this supposed to make you urinate in white?**

**Dean: Until you have an orgasm. And yes. And don’t fucking text me while you’re jerking off.**

**Oh.**

**Me: Is that what the insult was?**

**Dean: Yes. Please stop texting me while you’re... you know. It’s weird.**

I looked at the bed, which was covered in the white urine, and looked down. The erection was gone, thank goodness for that. I made a mental note to thank Dean later.

**Me: Fine. I’m done.**

**Dean: Better?**

**Me: Much, thanks.**

I sighed and laid back down on the bed, deciding that I should probably put some clothes on. As soon as I put on the boxers, I saw I had a text from Dean.

**Dean: Lets not ever talk about this again, ok?**

**Me: About what?**

**Dean: About me fucking teaching you how to masturbate.**

**Me: Okay Dean, please don’t be angry with me.**

I sighed to myself realizing that once again, I have upset Dean. Every time I feel like he is angry with me, I feel like I should fix it, but i’m never sure how. All I ever want to do is to ensure his happiness.

**Dean: I’m not angry at you, Cas. It’s fine. Just get some sleep.**

**Me: Okay. What do I sleep in?**

**Dean: It doesn’t really matter. Whatever you’re comfortable with.**

**Me: Okay. I don’t have any other clothes though.**

**Dean: You could take your clothes off or borrow some from that woman.**

After everything I had just done, I wasn’t planning on staying naked - or even slightly naked - for much longer. I threw on my clothes and my coat and went out to the woman. I was afraid to see her again, after the little incident, but I had no other option. She was in her uniform again and she looked up at me, almost disgusted.  
“How can I help you?” She asked through clenched teeth.  
“I need some clothes,” I told her. I doubted she would help me.  
“Let’s see if I can get some for you.”  
She left the front desk for a while, and came back after about two minutes, hand full of a few different shirts.  
“We don’t have any clothes for men,” she said. I could tell she was lying, but at this point, I just wanted to convince Dean that I was okay. I needed him to calm down for me. So I decided to take one of the women’s shirts. The one I took was a soft yellow, and had a kitten on it. It seemed to be the only one that would fit me, even in the slightest.  
“Here, let me have your old shirt. I’ll wash it for you,” she said. I nodded and took off my shirt in the middle of the lobby without thinking about who would stare. I put on the other shirt right away, not realizing or caring about how I looked. I mumbled something to her that sounded similar to “thanks” and walked back into my room to tell Dean I was going to bed.

**Me: This shirt is made for women. But it’s comfortable.**

**Dean: She didn’t have anything for guys?**

**Me: I don’t know. I didn’t bother to ask.**

**Dean: So you’re just wearing chick clothes?**

**Me: Yes, I seem to have given her the impression that I was homosexual.**

**Dean: Cross-dressing usually gives off that impression.**  
 **No, Dean. I told her I was dating you. I wasn’t going to tell Dean that, though. It would make him uncomfortable. So I decided to once again explain with a lot of hidden details.**

 

**Me: I mean before then. When I told her I wasn’t single.**

**Dean: What exactly did you tell her?**

**Did he really want to know that badly? I still refused to let him know that this town knows us as the couple that will soon reunite.**

**Me: I was dating someone.**

**Dean: Oh whatever. Just get some sleep and text me later, k?**

**Me: Okay.**

I was very happy that he didn’t push the issue any further. I just wanted to get out of that situation before I was in it.  
Ding.  
Another text from Dean.

**Dean: I’m going to keep driving. Night.**

**Me: Be careful. Please do not fall asleep at the wheel.**

**Dean: I’ll be fine, Cas. Don’t worry about me.**

**Me: I always worry about you, Dean. Always. Just be careful. Goodnight.**

At first, I wondered if I’d said too much. Dean didn’t reply, and honestly, that freaked me out a lot. But I decided that I needed to sleep, so I put the phone down on the table next to the coffee cup and went to sleep.


	2. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean sees the texts from Cas and hauls ass to Oregon.

I was leaning on the hood of Baby drinking a beer when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

 

**Hello, Dean.**

 

Some random number that I'd never seen before sent me text like I should immediately recognize who it's from. For a moment I didn'tknow if I should text back or not, but I figured, what the hell.

 

**Who is this? How did you get this number?**

**It’s Castiel. I knew your number already. I saw Sam type it once.**

 

_Cas._

It was Cas.

He was alive.

Wait-was it Cas? What if someone ass was just screwing with me? But who else knew about Cas, really? Angels? They had all fallen and none of them probably knew how to use a cell. Cas was probably the only angel out there who knew how to text.

_Not angel, fallen angel._

My phone buzzed again and I jumped.

 

**Dean, it’s me. I promise.**

 

I lost my train of thought and started to type furiously on the screen

 

**Cas?! What happened? Are you ok? Where are you? How did you get a phone? Jesus Cas it’s so good to hear from you.**

 

I couldn’t seem to type fast enough. What’s worse I had to wait for him to type out his answer to see if he’s hurt. I stared at my screen expectantly for what seemed like an eternity

 

**I’m okay. I don’t know where I am though. I found the phone in a nearby car. It’s telling me I’m in Verizon. Where is that?**

 

I couldn’t help but smile slightly at that.

 

**Verizon is a phone company, Cas. Look, just find someone, anyone, ask where you are.**

**There was a woman here earlier, but I can’t ask her. I’m pretty confident I just took her phone.**

**Well what does it look like where you are? Describe it to me**

 

**There’s a lot of tree. Some paths to search, and there was a clearing. I saw the meteor of angels. They were falling.**

***shower, not meteor.**

 

I clenched my jaw as I remembered seeing the angels fall. The memories were so vivid. I can still remember staring at those balls of fire, wondering which one was him.

 

**I saw it too. We can worry about that later. Right now we just need to fine you. Just follow one of the paths until you find someone. Ask where you are and how to get out of the woods. Then text me, ok?**

**I will try.**

**Ok.**

 

I paused for a moment, before heading back inside the bat cave. For a moment I felt like all I could do was look at the room, trying to find answers somewhere.

“Are you ok, Dean?” Kevin’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I jumped slightly. _Jesus Christ, get yourself together_. I kicked myself inwardly for acting so frantic about the whole situation

“Uhh…” I said as I tried to remember how words work, “Cas.” I blurted out. I felt a slightly pathetic sense of triumph at the one word I had managed to say. Kevin just furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion. I suddenly remembered that I have no idea what happened with him up in heaven. I took my phone out again.

 

**What happened with Metatron?**

 

“…what about him?” Kevin asked.

_Right, I need to explain what just happened._

“He just texted me. I need to go get him.” I started walking over to my room to grab a bag and clothes.

“What? He’s ok? He’s alive?” Kevin followed right behind me. I felt my phone buzz in my hand. I scrambled to look at the text

 

**He killed Naomi. He held a knife to my throat and then pinned me to a chair. And he took something of mine.**

 

“Shit…” I mumbled. “Oh.” I said as I remembered Kevin again, “Yeah I’m uh… I’m gonna go…” I trailed off as I replied.

 

**What did he take?**

 

I don’t really know why I asked. The answer was obvious. I guess I just needed him to say it.

“What?!” Kevin demanded with an edge of panic in his voice. “You’re just going to leave me here with Sam practically comatose and the freakin’ king of Hell?!”

I couldn’t help but feel anger creep up on me when he said that.

“Look, Cas is out there and I need to go get him. Sam has done nothing but sleep since we got back and he’s probably not going to be doing anything else anytime soon. Crowley isn’t really a demon anymore and we have him in hexed handcuffs. So you are going to stay here while I get Cas.” My voice came out a little angrier than I had meant it to, making Kevin taking a surprised step back.

My phone buzzed again

 

**Dean, I’m not an angel anymore.**

 

I don’t know why those words hit me so hard. It was obvious that he wasn’t an angel anymore. All the angels fell, why would he still be one?

 

**He took your grace?**

 

I grabbed some more clothes and headed out of my room.

_Buzz_

 

**Yes. That is why I haven’t found you yet. But I know where I am.**

 

Where?

 

Oregon.

 

 

_Shit._

Oregon. Was it really necessary for Metatron to toss him in fucking _Oregon_?

At least he wasn’t in China or something like that.

 

**Jesus…ok can you be more specific?**

**I’m in a forest about 10 miles from Crater Lake.**

 

He wasn’t even in a city.

 

 **Ok, ok. Here’s what we’re going to do. I want you to head east. Head towards Kansas. Hitch rides, walk, sleep in homeless shelters. Text me whenever you can. I’m going to head in that direction, and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle.** …

 

I paused for a moment, more words at the tip of my fingers. _I’ll take care of you. Don’t get hurt. Please, don’t get hurt. I don’t know what I would do if you got hurt…_

 

… **It’s going to be ok, Cas, I’ll find you. For now, try to find a place. A city, town, maybe even a cabin. Get some food. For christs sake don’t forget to eat. Get as much sleep as you can.**

 

I felt like a panicked little girl when I typed those last messages. Like a mother telling her son going off to college that breathing is probably a good idea too. I kicked myself inwardly for sending it.

 

**Hurry, Dean.**

 

_Fuck._

My chest tightened when I read that. Never had I thought I would be getting a message like that from Cas. He was an angel of the lord. He didn’t say things like that.

_Cas really needs me right now._

“If anything happens, text me.” I called back to Kevin as I closed the door to the batcave behind me. I practically ran to the car. I missed the keyhole at my first try, I’m hurrying so much. Dude, calm down. I took a deep breath and unlocked the car. I sat and started typing again

 

**I’m starting the car now. I have some changes of clothes for you. It’s going to be a few days, though Cas, but I’ll find you, ok?**

 

**Okay. Is Sam with you?**

 

I started the ignition, fumbling between texting Cas and driving. _I should probably not text Cas right now_. But no, I couldn’t do that. He needed someone to talk to, I could multitask.

 

**No. Sammy’s not doing too good. He needs to get better. But we have Kevin taking better care of him and Crowley.**

**Crowley? He wasn’t sent to Hell?**

 

I couldn’t help but cringe when I realize that Cas doesn’t know what happened with the trials.

 

**We didn’t close the gates, Cas. Sam would die if he completed the trials. Sam is recovering and Crowley is… It’s like he’s half way between human and demon**

**Is Crowley in chains?**

**He’s in one of the bedrooms. He’s free to walk around, but his hands are handcuffed with iron cuffs. And they have protection symbols. He’s powerless.**

**Good.**

 

I paused for a second, still feeling like there was so much more to know while having no idea what to ask him. Finally I settled on:

 

**How are you, Cas. Are you hurt?**

 

_Mother hen._

 

**No. I’m fine.**

 

**Ok. If anything happens, just tell me. Just ask**

 

 _You’re acting like the fucking mother hen, dumbass._ I said to myself. But Cas was the last person to judge how I acted. He probably didn’t even know what mother hen meant.

 

**Okay. How far away are you?**

**I’m in Kansas. Almost the other side of the country.**

**Why don’t you just use an airplane?**

 

My stomach clenched at the thought of flying. After the whole demon thing, I wasn’t going on a plane unless I had no other choice. But still... it was Cas.

 

**I hadn’t really thought of that...**

 

Are there no airplane stations around you?

 

 _Airplane stations._ I couldn’t help but laugh at such an innocent mistake

 

**They’re called airports, Cas**

 

**Whatever. I found a hotel. The lady at the front desk said she would help me.**

 

Thank _God_. He found somewhere to stay.

 

**Is she letting you stay for free?**

 

**Yes. She said I could only stay for the night, but that she will give me food and water. Then she blinked at me with one eye. It was odd.**

 

**Crap. Some chick was flirting with him.**

**Oh.**

**You might want to be careful with her**

**Why?**

 

**She winked at you. That’s what it’s called when someone blinks with one eye. She’s flirting with you. She thinks you’re going to spend the night with her.**

**Well, I am going to spend the night with her.**

 

Obviously, he wasn’t getting my meaning. I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t hold back a smile.

 

**Do I have to spell out everything to you? She wants to have sex with you, Cas.**

**I know how to spell, Dean. But, haven’t you winked at me before?**

 

I temporarily forgot about the road as I stared at the text. _Dammit Cas I was fucking joking why would I flirt with you you’re a guy and an angel and you’re so socially inept_. I huffed slightly.

 

**No! Well, yes but I was joking. I don’t want to have sex with you Cas. Jesus...**

**That was something I definitely did not want to do. Why would I want to have sex with Cas?**

**Jesus? Why are you bringing my half brother into this?**

 

I suddenly had the urge to bang my head into the steering wheel repeatedly.

 

**I’m not. Just... Never mind. It’s not important. Just don’t sleep with her.**

**Why does it matter if I do?**

 

When I thought about him sleeping with some random chick my whole body screamed No. It was a bad idea for him to sleep with anyone really. Who knows how she could manipulate him. Hurt him. Cas was too innocent.

 

**Just, don’t do it, Cas!**

 

_For the love of all that is good don’t do it it’s a bad idea she’ll probably hurt you just don’t do it, please._

 

**Fine. I won’t**

**Ok. Good.**

 

I tossed my phone to the passengers seat and sighed, gripping the steering wheel in frustration. Cas kind of was a baby in a trenchcoat without his powers. He was still badass with all this knowledge and probably still _really_ handy in a fight, but he knew almost nothing about...well...people. Pop culture. It was surprising how much harder it made things when he didn’t understand the reference, Luke I am your father.

_I should show him those movies. Now that he’s human..._

And suddenly I realised

_He’s human._

No more jumping in and out uninvited. No more going for days without seeing him. No more weird, angel-human friendship.

Now it was just human.

Now we could actually have a normal, human friendship. I smiled to myself as I thought of what that really meant.

My phone buzzed and I couldn’t help but sigh. I really didn’t want to have to drive and text at the same time. But it was probably Cas. I grabbed the phone.

 

**Dean, there is a problem.**

 

My stomach clenched for what must be the fifth time that day.

 

**What? What happened? are you ok?**

 

_Mother fucking Hen._

 

**I seem to have an erection.**

 

The only thing that managed to break me from staring at my phone was a loud honk from a car as I started to drive into the opposite lane. I swerved violently. _Maybe I should pull over._

As I pulled over, I couldn’t help but imagine what he would look like, sitting in a motel room, completely unaware of what to do about the boner he had and holy hell that was hot.

_Dude, seriously, stop picturing it._

Unfortunately, my brain and my dick were on completely different levels. I would have been freaked out by the fact that the thought of Cas hard made me hard if I hadn’t been so turned on. I took a deep breath before texting back.

 

**Ok... I don’t really know how to help you with this... How exactly did this happen?**

**The woman. She came up wearing lingerie.**

 

_Cas. hard. Woman.Lingerie Woman trying to seduce Cas._

I would have been angry (oh who am I kidding, I was fucking _jealous_ ) if I wasn’t so turned on. My jeans got tighter around my hips. I squirmed, trying to find a more comfortable position.

 

**Uh...is she still there?**

**No, I told her I was not single**

 

I froze. _I told her I was not single._ He told her he was dating someone? Who did he say he was dating? Sam? Kevin? Me?

 

**Ok...well. You could try a cold shower. Or you could just...handle it yourself.**

 

How do I do that?

 

_Oh god do I really have to teach him how to jerk off?!_

 

**Um...jerk off...?**

**Are you insulting me?**

 

I had another urge to bang my head against the steering wheel again. But it was still cute. _Cute?! Did you just call Cas fucking cute?!_

 

**Just go take a cold shower**

**I really didn’t want to have to teach him how to masturbate.**

**Okay. How do I get the water to come out?**

 

I suddenly started picturing Cas getting undressed. _Cas naked. Cas with a boner. Naked Cas with a boner_. The tightness in my jeans was getting painful. I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on typing.

 

**Depends on the type of shower. There should be a knob thing at one end of the shower. try pulling or twisting if. Water should start to come out.**

**It worked. I must go now.**

**Ok.**

 

I threw my phone aside and pressed the back of my head against the car seat, moaning (whether from humiliation or lust, I don’t know) at the _giant fucking hard on I had for Cas._

I was not gay. Dean Winchester was not gay. But it was pretty hard to deny what Cas did to me when I was sitting on the side of the road with a huge boner, thinking about my best friend. At it was really hard to deny it when I just kept thinking about Cas naked in the shower, my hand slowly making its’ way to my crotch. And then it was impossible to deny it when I unbuttoned my jeans and pushed them down along with my boxers, took my dick in my hand, and started pumping.

I called out for him when I came.

I had just started to catch my breath when my phone buzzed again.

 

**It didn’t work.**

 

_Are you shitting me?!_

 

**Was the water cold?**

 

Yes.

 

I groaned. I really was going to have to walk him through this.

 

**Shit. Ok, you have to handle it yourself, then.**

 

**How?**

**Masturabte, Cas.**

**How do I do that?**

**...you don’t know how?**

 

**My father frowns upon masturbation. Angels are forbidden from it. So no, I don’t know how.**

**Ok. Just... Pull down your pants and boxers and just... touch yourself. Do whatever feels good.**

 

**That’s a strange way to do things. But okay**

 

I leaned my head back and groaned again. Why was I the one who had to teach Cas to pleasure himself?

My phone buzzed again. I cringed before slowly grabbing it and reading the text.

 

**How long am I supposed to do this?**

 

Jesus Christ was he texting me while he was doing that?! My dick twitched and I groaned. I did not want to jerk off to Cas. Again.

 

**Until you come.**

**Come? Um, well, is this supposed to make you urinate in white?**

 

I banged my head against the seat in frustration.

 

Until **you have an orgasm. And yes. And don’t fucking text me while you’re jerking off**

 

_Please don’t text me. Please don’t text me. Please don’t-_

_BUZZ._

_fuck._

 

**Is that what the insult was?**

 

**Yes. Please stop texting me while you’re... You know. It’s weird.**

 

Not weird - ok yes really fucking weird - it was hot. Really, _really_ hot. But I already felt humiliated enough as it was. I was not going to add sexting Cas to the list of things I had done today that freaked me the hell out.

 _BUZZ_.

 

**Fine. I’m done.**

 

Thank _God_. I sighed. awkwardness over.

 

**Better?**

 

_Why the hell did I ask him that?_

 

**Much, thanks.**

 

The first thought that actually crossed my mind was, _Anytime_ , Which once again freaked me out, since I shouldn’t be willing to walk Cas through how to masturbate.

 

**Let’s not ever talk about this again, ok?**

 

About what?

 

I was tempted to call him just so I could yell at him for how socially inept he was.

 

**About me fucking teaching you how to masturbate.**

**Okay Dean. Please don’t be angry with me.**

 

I could practically hear his kitten-like voice when I read that sentence. I sighed. Cas has always been more sensitive than he let on.

 

**I’m not angry at you, Cas. It’s fine. Just get some sleep now**

**Okay. What do I sleep in?**

**it doesn’t really matter. Whatever you’re comfortable with**

 

**Okay. I just don’t have any clothes though.**

**You could take your clothes off of borrow some from that woman**

 

The thought of him sleeping in nothing but boxers had me screaming inwardly. _Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Dead puppies._

 

**This shirt is made for a woman. but it’s comfortable.**

 

Was he really wearing a chick’s shirt?

 

**She didn’t have anything for guys?**

**I don’t know. I didn’t bother to ask,**

**So you’re just wearing chick clothes?**

 

**Yes. I seem to have given her the impression that I was homosexual.**

**Cross-dressing usually gives off that impression**

**I mean before then. When I told her I wasn’t single.**

 

My jaw clenched. He told her he wasn’t single. He told her he was dating a guy. He probably told her he was dating me.

I was tempted to ask, but shied away from it, figuring that would look like I wanted to date him. Which I didn’t. Definitely did _not_ want to date Cas.

 

**What exactly did you tell her?**

**I told her I was dating someone.**

 

 _You’re just saying the same thing in a different way, Cas_. I wanted to get the words out of him without having to really ask, but it seemed like I wouldn’t get a straight answer unless I just asked. Which I wasn’t go to do. I sighed to myself. Again.

 

**Oh, whatever. Just get some sleep and text me later, k?**

**Okay.**

 

Every time questions get answered more seem to come up. My head was swimming with...just everything. I had so many things to say, but I just settled on:

 

 **I’m going to keep driving.** -

I paused, wondering if I should add what I was thinking. _Good night. Sleep well._

\- **Night.**

 

**Be careful. Please do not fall asleep at the wheel.**

**I’ll be fine Cas, don’t worry about me**

 

**I always worry about you, Dean. Always. Just be careful. Goodnight.**

 

_I always worry about you, Dean._

It echoed. Over and Over again. I could practically hear him say it. _I always worry about you, Dean._ I felt a smile push its’ way to my lips.

 _I always worry about you, Dean._ I repeat it in my head as I drive down the dark roads.

 


	3. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is attacked.

Chapter 3 - Castiel

 

I woke up and went to see the woman at the desk to sign out. She looked at me like nothing had ever happened between us.

“Here,” she said. She handed me two 100 dollar bills.

“Thank you very much. Your kindness does not go unnoticed.”

I walked outside, stuffing my money into the coat pocket. My phone was in my pants back pocket. I looked up and saw a group of men, each one a few inches taller than me. They were all staring at me as if my ensemble of a kitten shirt, trench coat, and pants was the strangest thing they’ve ever seen. And, thinking about it, it probably was. I kept walking while they kept staring. I pretended not to see them, but once I got close enough, they grabbed my coat and shoved me up against the wall. I hit my head hard. I looked at them with pleading eyes, begging them not to do this. It didn’t help. One of the men - the oldest, I presumed - had me pinned against the wall. He reached back his hand and punched me in the mouth. My lip split open and I turned my head back towards the man. He began to repeatedly punch me. Over and over again, I felt pain. Pain that I knew would not heal for a while. He kneed me in a place I’d never been kneed before and when I turned my head down from the pain, he gave me a short but powerful uppercut to the face.

I barely saw the other men through my tears and swollen eyes, but I knew that they were standing around, laughing at my misery. Unfortunately, I should still hear them.

“Hahaha!”

“Look at that shirt. _Meow_ , pretty kitty.”

“Take the dumbass queer’s coat.”

“Yeah, that’s got the money in it.”

“Why not just take the money?”

“Seems like the coat and money is all he’s got.”  

“Exactly.”

The oldest man dropped me down on the floor. I was coughing up blood. I was swollen and hurt. I didn’t know what to do. I was just thankful they hadn’t thought to reach into my back pocket and take the phone. I was still laying down on my back when they took my coat off. Then, as if what they’d done wasn’t enough, the oldest man kicked my side as hard as he could. I could swear he broke a rib. I layed there for a while, unable to move. I could barely see, but I knew I needed to muster up enough strength to text Dean.

 

**Me: Dean, I have another problem.**

 

**Dean: I swear to god if you have another freaking boner...**

 

**Me: I was attacked, Dean.**

 

**Dean: What! Shit are you hurt? How do you still have your phone? What happened? Shit who did this!**

 

I wondered to myself silently why Dean always asked so many questions about my health and happiness. Then, whenever something did happen, he went into these question rants. My head was starting to pound from the thought. But I decided to text him back and then go into the nearest shop to clean up in the bathroom.

 

**Me: Yes, I was injured. The lady at the hotel gave me money. They saw me put it in my coat. My phone was in my pants’ back pocket. They took my coat, Dean.**

 

**Dean: How bad is it?**

 

**Me: I’ll survive, but I do wish I had a doctor.**

 

After that, Dean took a while to respond. I used that as my opportunity. I saw a cafe next to where I was laying. I went inside, and looked straight for the bathroom. It was in the back, towards the left. I walked through the cafe, where almost everyone looked at me. I stepped inside what looked like “Mens” and looked in the mirror. There was a lot of blood, but not a lot of actual cuts, as far as I could tell. I took some of the paper towels in the dispenser and dipped them in the water. I started to wipe my face off and I immediately looked better. My right eye was a little swollen, but not bad enough to where I couldn’t see. Then, I lifted up the kitten shirt I still had on and looked in the mirror.

My side. The side that the older man kicked me in. It was changing colors. There was a lot of blue and purple, in almost exactly the shape of a foot. It was swollen. I put down the shirt and gasped a little bit. _That’s it_. I thought. _It was my shirt_. I took my phone out. Dean still hadn’t responded, but I decided to text him anyways.

 

**Me: It’s my fault, Dean.**

 

**Dean: Look, Cas. I’ve been driving non-stop. If everything goes ok, I can be in Oregon sometime tomorrow. Find a place to stay until then. I wouldn’t go back to that woman. Find somewhere else. A homeless shelter, if there’s one nearby.**

 

It seemed as though Dean had purposefully avoided the second text I sent him. Maybe he didn’t want to know. But I was going to tell him either way, so I sent something similar to that to get his attention.

 

**Me: It’s my fault they attacked me in the first place, Dean.**

 

**Dean: How in the hell is it your fault?**

 

**Me: I should have taken the shirt off. But I didn’t really have anything else. They made fun of my shirt. They also called me a “queer.” What’s a queer?**

 

**Dean: You wore that chicks shirt out? You didn’t just sleep in it?**

 

This was starting to upset me. I told Dean that I had no other option! Why would he say that?

 

**Me: Would you rather me go out shirtless, Dean?**

 

**Dean: What? No! Look, it’s better to go out shirtless than wearing some chicks shirt.**

 

**Me: Okay, I will take my shirt off then.**

 

I knew that walking around the cafe without a shirt was not good for business, so I stepped outside to take it off. I was just about to when I got another text from Dean.  

 

**Dean: What did you do with your old one?**

 

**Me: The woman took it. She said she would wash it but I never got it back.**

 

**Dean: ...looks like you’re going shirtless.**

 

I tore off my shirt and took a deep breath. I continued to walk down the road, looking for another hotel or a “homeless shelter.” Everywhere I walked, though, I was stared at. This time, I could not ignore the staring. I was scared that I would get attacked again.

 

**Me: People are staring at me.**

 

**Dean: Well, you aren’t wearing a shirt and... Well people will stare. Wait are you ripped?**

 

I thought that it was obvious that we were no longer talking about me getting attacked. It was also a very strange question. But I answered anyways.

 

**Me: No, I am in one piece.**

 

**Dean: No, Cas I mean muscles.**

 

Muscles? Why was Dean asking me whether or not I had muscles? It seemed like an unimportant question, but still, it was a question that Dean wanted the answer to.

 

**Me: I do suppose I have defined muscles. Why?**

 

**Dean: Do I have to explain everything? Cas, you’re pretty. People will stare at you.**

 

_Did he just call me pretty?_ I decided to sit down on the sidewalk. I was leaning my back against what looked like an old, dirty, abandoned building. I looked at the text again, thinking: _That was strangely out of character for Dean._ I thought I’d go along with it anyways, though. I also hoped he wouldn’t take it back.

 

**Me: Thank you, Dean.**

 

**Dean: I wasn’t... never mind. You’re welcome, Cas.**

 

I sighed, thankful that he meant it. I was in no mood to deal with my feelings for Dean. Although obvious, they were very time consuming. I sighed and watched other people walk by me and stare. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I asked a few people if they could give me a hand, but they just walked by like I wasn’t there.

 

**Me: Where do I go? People only seem to be willing to help when they think I am not in a relationship.**

 

**Dean: Try to find a homeless shelter. Ask directions. They’ll help you there. Give you a place to sleep, food, and probably a shirt. For free.**

 

I stood up, my side still hurting from the kick. That was probably what hurt the most. Every time I would breathe, I would feel the pain from the kick etch down my sides. But I kept walking, in hopes of finding this “homeless shelter.”

“Excuse me, ma’am,” I said to a young, blond woman. “Do you know of any homeless shelters around here?”

“I don’t, sorry,” she said back. “I’ve just moved into this town. My husband got a job here, and our house was free. We didn’t need to search for any sort of shelter.

_Okay, you can stop talking now._ I nodded and gave a half-smile, then kept walking. I spotted a man who was about three-hundred pounds overweight, about 60 years old, and alone.

“Excuse me, um, sir, but.. do you know of a homle--

“No.”  

“Oh, okay.

I was done being treated this way. I was done asking for a homeless shelter. I was just going to do the only thing I was sure would help: Texting Dean.

 

**Me: Dean, there are no shelters here.**

 

**Dean: There has to be one somewhere. Where are you?**

 

**Me: I’m still in Oregon. I don’t know what city.**

 

**Dean: You didn’t ask?**

 

_Oh, I’m  sorry Dean. How selfish of me. I should have talked to more of  these assbutts._ I thought to my phone.

 

**Me: No, I didn’t.**

 

**Dean: Go ask someone.**

 

**Me: Fine.**

 

It was honestly the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew that I had to find out. Otherwise, I may never see Dean again. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I got scared. I had to ask. I chose the first guy I saw. He was about my age - or rather, my body’s, - I assumed, and he looked fairly attractive. He was wearing a wooden cross around his neck, and I thought that if anyone was going to help me, certainly a follower of the lord would.

“Excuse me, sir. I really need your help.”

“Yes, are you alright?”

“Yes, but I’m not exactly sure what my location is.”

“You’re in Burns, Oregon! Neatest little town I’ve ever been in.”

“Thank you very much.”

I walked away from him, smiling. Dean would be happy with me.

 

**Me: I’m in Burns.**

 

**Dean: Ok. Well if you’re in a city there should be a thrift store somewhere. What does it look like where you are?**

 

I was kind of tired of explaining things to Dean. I was more than willing to help him find me, but my descriptions wouldn’t help much. I decided that a picture would be much more helpful. I took a picture and sent it to him. His response was almost immediate.

 

**Dean: Ok looks like there would be one somewhere. Ask directions to the nearest thrift store. When you get there tell them you don’t have any money, but you need a change of clothes. I’m pretty sure they’ll help. Text me when you find one, got it?**

 

**Me: Okay.**

 

I shoved my phone in my back pants pocket as usual and began to look for a “thrift store.” I’d only walked for a couple minutes when I ran into someone. Literally. I took a sharp breath in at the pain that came from the hit.

“Sorry,” she said. She looked up at me with worried eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. But I am looking for a thrift store of some kind.”

“There’s a Salvation Army down a mile that way,” she said, pointing southeast of where we were standing. “Would you like me to take you? I know one of the ladies who works there.”

“Yes, that would be much appreciated.”

We walked down the road, not talking much. She offered to get me coffee, but I told her that I really just needed to get to the thrift store. Once we got there, She walked me up to the woman at the counter.

“Hi, Betsy!”

“LouAnn, how nice to see you again. And you brought a friend,” she said, giving me a puzzled look.

“He needs help, do you think maybe we can give him some clothes? A place to sleep?”

“Come with me,” Betsy gestured to LouAnn. “We can ask the manager.”

Betsy looked at me with a smile.

“We’ll be right back,” she said.

When they left, I sighed and looked around. There was a ton of racks of clothing all lined up. there were shoes and furniture and other things I was not familiar with. LouAnn and Betsy came back out with a black, large t-shirt and a pair of denim pants. They handed them to me and I immediately put the shirt on. The pants would have to wait.

“Thank you very much,” I said to them.

“No, problem sweetie. There isn’t really a bed here for you, but there’s a reclining chair in the staff lounge in the back that’s mighty comfortable,” LouAnn explained. “I think you should spend most of your time there. It’s where the food and drinks are, too.” She walked away and I went into the back room to change into the pants. I was not familiar with denim, but I felt as though It did not look too terrible. I was finally given the chance to text Dean, though.   

 

**Me: I found one.**

 

**Dean: Ok just ask one of the cashiers.**

 

**Me: I already did.**

 

**Dean: And...?**

 

**Me: And I am now wearing clothes.**

It wasn’t just that, though. They also said I could stay here for a while. They hadn’t put a time limit on, but I assumed there was one. I decided to leave out that part, though, and just let Dean find me. I knew he would be here soon.

**Me: They said I could stay here.**

 

**Dean: That’s probably a good idea.**

 

**Me: Should I just wait here for you, then?**

 

**Dean: Yeah just stay there and get better. Text me if something happens.**

 

**Me: Okay, you too.**

 

I sighed and put my phone in my back pocket of my new denim pants. I went over to the back of the store - into the lounge - and sat down on the reclining chair. I tilted it back so I was laying down and fell asleep immediately.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOVE YOU


	4. Dean

10:30 am, and I was starting to feel the affect of staying up all night. Before I’d heard from Cas, I hadn’t had much luck with sleeping.  A couple hours over the past couple of nights, but at that point I had been up for about 30 hours.  Sure, I’d stayed up longer, but this was when I usually started to feel sleep deprived.

My phone buzzed. I grabbed it from the passenger’s seat and checked the message.

 

**Dean, I have another problem.**

 

I groaned. I refused to help him through another... No. Just no. Not going to happen.

 

**I swear to god if you have another freaking boner...**

 

**I was attacked, Dean**

 

_Oh god. Oh god Please be ok._ I swallowed hard, trying to control my breath. If he was texting me, it couldn’t be all that bad, right? He still had his phone. He was ok. He was ok. He still had his phone and he was able to text me. He was ok.

 

**What! Shit are you hurt? How do you still have your phone? What happened?! Shit who did this!**

 

Rage (mixed with that mother-hen feeling which was getting way too familiar) kicked in and I instinctively pushed my foot down harder on the accelerator. Baby roared in agreement.

 

**Yes, I was injured. the lady at the hotel gave me money. They saw me put it in my coat. my phone was in my pants pocket. They took my coat, Dean.**

 

Something about Cas losing his coat hit me hard. That was _his coat._ He wasn’t really Cas without it. It was a part of him. I remembered keeping his coat with me after Cas was taken over by the leviathans. I gave it to him when he went from Emanuel back to Cas. 

 

**How bad is it?**

 

**I’ll survive, but I do wish I had a doctor.**

 

I was sending a message when I got another message from him.

 

**Look, cas. i’ve been driving non stop. if everything goes ok, I can be in Oregon sometimes tomorrow. Find a place to stay until then. I wouldn’t go back to that woman. Find somewhere else. A homeless shelter, if there’s one nearby**

 

**It was my fault, Dean.**

**It’s my fault they attacked me in the first place, Dean**

 

I groaned again. The last thing we needed was another hunter who blamed himself for everything.

 

**How in the hell is it your fault?**

 

**I should have taken the woman’s shirt off. But I didn’t really have anything else. They made fun of my shirt. They also called me “queer.” What’s a queer?**

 

I cringed. _Cas, you idiot._

 

**You wore that chicks shirt out? You didn’t just sleep in it?**

 

**Would you rather me go out shirtless, Dean?**

 

Okay, so I know that Cas wasn’t flirting. He barely even knew what flirting was. but if anyone else had said that, it would have been flirting. The suggestiveness of it made my heart beat faster and my face grow warmer, and I couldn’t stop the thought _Yes, Cas, I would like that very much_. Ugh. Those past few hours had been weird, and it didn’t seem like what happened in the car the night before was just a one time thing.

I snapped out of my train of thought and nervously tapped out a reply.

 

**What? No! Look, it’s better to go out shirtless than wearing some chicks shirt**

 

**Okay. I will take my shirt off then.**

 

I huffed in frustration about...well, everything.

 

**What did you do with your old one?**

 

**The woman took it. She said she would wash it, but I never got it back.**

 

_Bitch._

 

**...looks like you’re going shirtless.**

 

_No objection here._

I felt like slamming my head into the steering wheel again. I could try as hard as I wanted, but those quick little phrases and sentences from pushing their way into conscience. I didn’t know whether to be annoyed or freaked out. Probably both.

_Buzz_

 

**People are staring at me.**

 

Cas was very good at giving me mental images. _Cas walking around town, shirtless, with everyone staring at his bare skin. fuck._ I needed looser pants.

 

**Well you’re not wearing a shirt, and... Well people will stare.**

I paused for a moment. I had never seen him with his shirt off. He was always wearing that trenchcoat. How toned was Cas?

**Wait are you ripped?**

 

**No, I am in one piece.**

 

Oh my god, Cas. _I don’t know whether to find that annoying as hell or adorable_. I sighed, giving up on trying to hold back all of the...interesting thoughts barging their way into my brain.

 

**No, Cas I mean muscles.**

 

**I do suppose I have defined muscles. Why?**

 

_Because I want to know what you look like shirtless._

 

**Do I have to explain everything? Cas, you’re pretty, people will stare at you**

 

I hit send and immediately cringed. _Did I really just send that? Fuck, I actually sent that. I just told Cas that he’s pretty. Crap. Shit. Fuck. Ok, he’ll probably take it as a joke. Oh, who am I kidding he takes everything seriously._

 

**Thank you, Dean.**

 

Another overwhelming urge to slam my head on the wheel.

 

**I wasn’t... Never mind. You’re welcome, Cas**

 

**Where do I go? People only seem to be willing to help when they think I am not in a relationship**

 

I thought for a moment.

 

**Try to find a homeless shelter. Ask directions. They’ll help you there. Give you a place to sleep, food and probably a shirt. And for free**

 

There was a long pause before Cas replied.

 

**Dean, there are no shelters here**

 

Just our luck. No shelters. I wasn’t even surprised.

 

**There has to be one somewhere. Where are you?**

 

**I’m still in Oregon. I don’t know what city.**

 

After all that time he still hadn’t asked what city he was in? _Dammit, Cas._

 

**You didn’t ask**

 

**No. I didn’t.**

 

**Go ask someone**

 

_...Do I really have to walk you through everything?_

 

**Fine**

 

_Pause._

_Buzz._

 

**I’m in Burns.**

 

_Finally! A city!_

 

**Ok. Well if you’re in a city there should be a thrift store somewhere. Where does it look like where you are?**

 

I was expecting a description, and was surprise when I got a picture. _Ok, maybe not completely helpless._

 

**Ok looks like there would be one somewhere. Ask directions to the nearest thrift store. When you get there tell them you don’t have any money, but you need a change of clothes. I’m pretty sure they’ll help. Text me when you find one, got it?**

 

**Okay.**

 

I put the phone down on my lap and tried to focus on the road ahead, drowning out the thoughts of Cas with ACDC. Classic rock (Sammy called it mullet rock, but what did he know. his taste in music was crap) always calmed me down. Or at least distracted me. I could put on a cassette and in seconds I’d be gone.

I was just getting into the music when I felt my phone buzz. I sighed and checked the text.

  
  


**I found one.**

  
  


_It’s about frickin’ time._

  
  


**Ok just ask one of the cashiers**

  
  


**I already did.**

  
  


**And...?**

  
  


**And I am now wearing clothes.**

 

I honestly don’t know if seeing that text made me relieved or disapointed.

 

**They said I could stay here.**

  
  


**That’s probably a good idea**

  
  


**Should I just wait here for you then?**

  
  


I  pressed my lips together. It would make things a lot easier if he could head in my direction, we’d meet sooner, but Cas was probably pretty banged up. Walking was probably a bad idea

  
  


**Yeah just stay there and get better. Text me if something happens**

  
  


**Okay. You too.**

 

I put the phone down and cranked up the volume as loud as it would go. After everything that had happened, I needed a distraction more than anything.


	5. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas admits his feelings. Dean doesn't take it well

 

It was dinnertime when I got the text. The one that made my heart skip a beat and made my stomach lurch forward. The manager of the store had given me a meal that was previously made, but frozen. It was a little sad to tell him that I did not understand how to operate the machine.

“A microwave?” He asked me, giving me a concerned, yet condescending look.

I shrugged and gave a small smile. He probably thought I was an ignorant human. Or, as I had heard Bobby mutter before, an idjit. But instead, he just showed me how to use it. I sat down and put the steaming lasagna on the table. I heard a ding and I thought that someone had microwaved something else, but I pulled out my phone in hopes that Dean was texting me saying he was almost here.

When I pulled out my phone, I immediately smiled.

 

**[1] New Message(s)**

**From: (720)-271-6690**

 

I sighed as I opened the text. When I read it, though, my heart sank.

 

**Dean: Ok so, no big deal, but I’ve been held back a little. It’s going to be a little longer before I get there.**

 

Something was wrong. I knew it was wrong, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get him to tell me. I was healing at a slow rate, but Dean still didn’t want me to worry. But this text _definitely_ worried me.

 

**Me: What happened? Are you okay?**

 

My heart was racing at a thousand miles per hour. _This is not healthy,_ I thought to myself. I had never experienced this before. I didn’t know if it was normal or not, but breathing seemed to help me. I took a deep breath and instantly regretted it. The breath hurt my lungs from when I was kicked, but my heart rate calmed down a bit. Then he replied.

 

**Dean: I’m fine it’s nothing. I’m just going to be delayed about a day. Don’t worry.**

 

_Of course i’m going to worry, Dean! What have I got if I don’t have you?_ I sighed. He wasn’t quite ready to tell me, I could tell. But I wasn’t going to let this slide. Not this time. I needed to know how he was doing. Or what he was doing.

 

**Me: You’re lying. What. Happened.**

 

**Dean: Look, it’s nothing. I was driving and I haven’t slept in a while and I fell asleep on the road and hit a sign. The car needs to be fixed up. The windshield shattered and one of the headlights broke.**

 

**Me: But are you okay?**

 

**Dean: Just a little banged up. Don’t worry about it.**

 

_Damn it, Dean, I told you to sleep.._. I was stressed, and didn’t know exactly what to say to him. I almost threw my phone at the other side of the couch. _How could he tell me not to worry?_ Dean was very important to me. I would not let him get hurt.

 

**Me: Dean, I told you. I always worry.**

 

**Dean: Well, quit it I don’t need you to worry about me.**

 

After that, I scolded myself internally. The point of this conversation was to make sure he was okay. Now all I was doing was making him upset.

 

**Me: Fine. Just get better. If you are hurt, I can no longer heal you.**

 

**Dean: I’m fine, Cas. I just have to convince these jackass doctors that, too. Why do you worry about me so much?**

 

_Honestly?_

 

**Me: Because you are the main reason it’s worth being alive, at this point.**

 

I sighed at the bare truth in that statement. I was human. I can no longer heal anyone, I’ve forgotten how to fight, I was just... useless. Maybe what Dean said a long time ago was true. Without my powers, I was just a baby in a coat. Well, now I was a baby in denim pants. But I had to do what I could to take care of Dean. Dean needed to be alive and healthy. So, no matter what it took, I was going to make sure that happened.

 

**Dean: ...what...?**

 

**Me: Dean, I’m human. There is nothing I can do with my life but look after you.**

 

**Dean: But, why me?**

 

_Why not you?_ Why did it seem like Dean always thought he was unworthy of things? He deserved to live. He had saved lives and hurt those who deserved it. If they weren’t human, of course.

 

**Me: Dean, you are important to me, that’s why.**

 

**Dean: But why not Sammy as well?**

 

I sighed and stared at the phone. _Why not Sammy_? I liked Sam, I did. But Sam wasn’t the one I dragged out of Hell.

 

**Me: Sam and I have an interesting relationship. But in no way does it compare to ours.**

 

**Dean: ...what do you mean?**

 

_Is it really that obscure? I love you, Dean. I love you so much_. But no way I was going to tell him that. Even if that’s what he wanted me to say, it seemed like he would not respond well. I knew that he liked women very much, and that the thought probably never occurred to him that he might also like males.

 

**Me: Dean, what do you think I mean?**

 

**Dean: I just... never understood the whole “profound bond” thing.**

 

_Oh, you caught that, huh?_ Yeah, I now had to explain things to someone who actually may never understand.

 

**Me: I raised you from Hell. I used almost all my power to do so. At the time, it was necessary. Now, I feel connected to you in ways you may never understand.**

 

**Dean: Try me.**

 

_Would you believe me if I said being human has brought on emotions I don’t know the name of?_ The thought to lie had crossed my mind. There was almost no way I could admit this to Dean. There was no way.

 

**Me: I can’t explain it. I’m not used to feeling emotions like these.**

 

**Dean: Dude, stop beating around the freaking bush and tell me already.**

 

For a second, my first thought was that he did not believe my lie. I didn’t think I was a bad liar, but I hadn’t really ever lied before. Then I realized I had to tell him. There was no way I could hide it from him anymore. I couldn’t avoid the subject any longer without him jumping down my throat. I felt my head and hands start to sweat. I was getting really hot. My heart rate picked up again and I could feel the blood rush to my head. My heart felt like it was in my throat. The thought of what I was about to say made me feel nervous. I took a deep breath, hands shaking, and sent it. I hit send and threw the phone on the couch, looking at the text nervously.

 

**Me: I love you, Dean.**

 

I sighed, staring at the phone. Watching as the screen made no change. Nothing lit up. The phone sat there, untouched. I picked it up and clicked the [l **ock** ] button.

 

**[0] New Message(s)**

 

I paced the room with the phone in my hand, unlocking it every couple seconds. No reply. No reply. No reply. After about ten minutes of silence, I started getting frustrated with myself. I scrambled to grab my phone and thought I’d text him again. I knew exactly why he wasn’t replying to me. He didn’t love me back. Or maybe I just offended him. I made him feel lower. Like a woman, possibly. _Castiel, you are an idiot._ I thought to myself. Why did I always seem to hurt Dean?

 

**Me: I’m sorry if I’ve made you upset.**

 

I thought a nice apology would work. Something honest and sincere. Because it was true. If he was upset, then it was my fault and I was sorry. I began pacing again. Walking in a line and walking over it again in the back of the Salvation Army. Breathing in and out with my phone in my hands and my hands up at my mouth. My hands were shaking, but it wasn’t as bad as it was when I first sent the text. I alternated sitting down and standing up. Back and forth. Back and forth. Check phone. No texts. Pace. Check phone. My actions were very repetitive, but it seemed as though it was the only thing I could do. I shouldn’t have said it. I know I shouldn’t have. But I apologized. Why hasn’t he replied by now?

 

**Me: Dean?**

 

I didn’t know what else to add to that text. There wasn’t much I could say at this point. I could change the subject. That might work, but... But I wanted to know. I needed to know. But I was out of options. I apologized. He should have replied by now. Maybe something happened. Yes. As much as that thought killed me as well, what else could have happened? He wouldn’t just... ignore me. No, Something was wrong. My emotions shifted immediately to concern and I started to feel hot again.

 

**Me: Dean are you okay?**

 

I knew that if something was wrong, he would tell me.

Five minutes into that last text and I knew what happened. He turned around. He turned around to go home and take care of Sam and Kevin and Crowley. Which means I was stuck here. Alone. I knew it. I knew that would happen! Why couldn’t I have just left it alone? I should have just told Dean that I didn’t want to talk about it. We could have moved on. And then he’d come get me and we’d all be okay. But now, now he knows. And now I would have to get money and live by myself and learn how to cook so I could eat and get a job and I would have to just... _talk to people._ All because I told Dean I loved him. My heart started racing again. My face felt hot and my hands were sweating. My breath picked up speed, too. It was going almost as fast as my heart. I was hyperventilating. My eyes darted from one corner of my eye to the other and back again. I started to feel the need to vomit. I was getting hot flashes and I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. But I did know that I had to get out of the lounge. I ran out of the lounge and crossed the store, causing a few customers as well as Betsy the cashier to give me concerned, questioning looks. But I just needed air. I ran outside to the field next to the building and sat down in the grass, still breathing heavy. I looked up to the sky and brought my knees up to my face. I hugged my knees and kept trying to calm down, but for some reason I couldn’t. I buried my head in my lap and cried for the first time in my life.

After what seemed like an eternity, I had finally calmed down. I stood up and brushed the dirt off of my denim pants. I walked back into the store (which was locked, but I had a key). The inside was empty. Betsy leaves the store when it closes, at 10pm.  I wasn’t exactly sure what time it was, but I knew it was after 10. My phone was sitting on the coffee table in the lounge, because I had left it there when I ran out. Knowing it was pointless, I checked my phone.

 

**10:37pm**

**[0] New Message(s)**

 

I sighed and put my phone down. I opened up the cabinet and took out the ground coffee. The manager had showed me how to use the pot a couple hours ago, before Dean got in the wreck. I was fairly sure I still remembered. I put the coffee on and listened to the purr of the maker. I smiled to myself a little, realizing that I’d done it right. The coffee took five minutes to complete, and I poured myself a cup, adding in cream and sugar. I had just sat down and began drinking when I heard it. The little _ping_ on my phone that meant I got a text.

 

**[1] New Message(s)**

**From: (720)-271-6690**

 

A little hesitant, I opened it.

 

**Dean: caaaaaas**

 

I was probably a little more excited to get a text from him than I should have been. But already, I knew something was different about him. Something was wrong. _Don’t jump to conclusions, Castiel. Just question him._

 

**Me: Dean? Dean! You finally responded!**

 

I put my phone in my pocket, expecting that it would take a while for him to respond. But sure enough, I heard five pings in a row. Man, he was desperate to say something.

 

**Dean: Youre g a good guu casy**

**I live you tooo man**

**Dont ever hsnge**

**I saw you this one tkme in 2014! And you wrede all high and shit**

**And craaking orgies**

 

_Crap,_ I thought. _He’s drunk._ I couldn’t remember a time when he was this drunk. It must have been the text. He pulled over to have a drink and must have lost control. I wasn’t sure if what he was saying was true or not, but I would have bet money on _probably not._ With how many drinks I could guess he had, there was no way he even knew what he was typing.

 

**Me: Are you drunk?**

 

I knew the answer already, sadly. If it weren’t for Dean, I wouldn’t know what the word _drunk_ meant. I sighed as I heard two more _pings_ come from my phone.

 

**Dean: Hell fucki yes im deunk**

**Drink is good nice drinknes**

 

_What? Really, Dean?_ I knew he would probably go out for a drink, but _this many_? I sighed. It could be worse. At least he hadn’t turned around.

 

**Me: Why?**

**How much did you drink?**

 

**Dean: Well you told me hij freaking love me man i needed a deink**

_Note to self: Never say that again_. I began to worry that he had no more money. Money that was supposed to be for food and gas and _water. Not beer_. Two more _pings_.

**Dean: I dont knkw i lost count about minites ago**

**I love you casy**

 

_Ouch_. That one hurt. Not because he said it, but because he only said it when he was drunk. He didn’t mean it . No way. I sat at the chair, dreading the texts I knew would come. I knew I should stop him. But he wouldn’t listen. Not when he’s drunk.

 

**Me: I’m going to make you read this conversation again when you’re sober.**

 

I really was. He was hurting me. Every text sent me through another whirlwind of pain that made my heart ache. Two more _pings_.

 

**Dean: Ok goure**

_Goure?_

**Dean: I really mwant it wwhen i said your peretty**

 

_Drunk, drunk, drunk_. I knew he meant it. At the time, he did. But now that I thought about it, maybe I was all wrong. Maybe he didn’t mean it at all. Maybe I wasn’t _actually_ pretty, in Dean’s eyes.

 

**Me: I know. Thank you.**

 

**Dean: I wish i could see you shirtless**

 

_There’s a new one,_ I thought as I debated even texting him back. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with drunk Dean, but I knew that with sober Dean, the best thing to do was to play along. There were many things that I could have replied to that, but I settled on a simple thank you.

 

**Me: Uh, thank you.**

 

**Dean: Yoj wanna see me shirtless? Ill send a fjckin poctire**

 

_Dean, you’re embarrassing yourself. For the love of my father, stop._ I knew Dean would come out of this eventually, and I knew that he would read them. To be honest, I did kind of want to see Dean shirtless, but I didn’t want him to see that he sent one to me when he got out of this hole.

 

**Me: No, thank you.**

 

**Dean: Awe shit man whu notty**

 

_Was it not obvious?_ I’m pretty sure it was obvious. But since Dean was drunk, he couldn’t take hints even _I_ would understand.

 

**Me: Because you’re drunk. Damn it, Dean!**

 

**Dean: I love toj cassssy**

 

_And so now, I was not Cas. I was Casy._ Dean was stressed out. I could tell that text sent him into the bar. I regretted saying it immediately after sending it, but now I just wanted to delete it from our phones and our memories. I stopped replying for a while. I assumed that maybe he would just forget about it and move on. But sure enough, I got a text a few minutes after I stopped replying to him.

 

**Dean: Casaaaaaas**

 

_Okay, I give in. I’ll reply._

 

**Me: What do you want, Dean?!**

 

**Dean: Do you think in pretty?**

 

_Yes, Dean, you are a glowing bright light of love_ , I thought sarcastically, knowing full well that it was actually the truth. Once again, I thought I’d play along. Or just be honest.

 

**Me: Yes, Dean. You’re pretty.**

 

**Dean: Ah shit i love you casssssssss why dont wr hatlk line this all thetk tkme**

 

I rolled my eyes. I got up and refilled my cup with more coffee. I added in my cream and sugar and sat down, debating what to say next. I decided to mess with him a bit.

 

**Me: Cas has one s, I believe.**

 

**Dean: Shut your freakinf mouth ill spell it how i want damit**

_Okay, don’t mess with drunk Dean._

**Dean: I wasn jokong woth winking. I was but no i wasnt**

 

I didn’t really know what else to say to him. Every time he brought something up. Every time he mentioned something from our past, he managed to turn it around and shove it in my face. I looked down. It felt as though my throat was swelling, but from before, I recognized this feeling as what happens when you’re about to cry. My vision was blurry when I looked down at the screen.   

 

**Me: Dean, I think we should speak again once you are sober.**

 

**Dean: Nah man w can talk biw i wanna talk talm tk me casy**

 

**Me: Dean, stop.**

 

Please. I’m begging you. There were three more pings on my phone. I debated reading them. I felt the first couple hot, salty tears run down my face as I opened it.

 

**Dean: Blow me, Cas**

_This again?_

**hey remembaer thath one tikme i said that**

_Yes, when you were angry with me._

**just doi it alraeydy**

 

_Do it already._ The words echoed in my head. My face grew hotter and the tears came faster. My breath came in short, little, jumpy-sounding gasps. I heard three pings from my phone again. Terrified, I opened them.

 

**Dean: i jearekd offf to you in the car**

_The sobbing stopped._

**after i hasd to teach you how i got so fcuing boner thiknnk about  you like that**

_But... he’s lying again, right?_

**I screamed youyr naem,**

I tried picturing it for a second,  but it didn’t quite seem right. ... _no you didn’t._

**i habve no regtrest**

_Why would he lie about that though?_

 

I stood up to pace. My eyes were red and swollen from crying. I debated going to sleep, but I couldn’t with how much I was debating his last couple texts. In fact, this drunk version of Dean had lied about loving me. He had lied about everything. But then again, maybe it was the truth. I had heard that being drunk doesn’t make you lie. If anything, it would make more sense if it made people more honest. Almost as if these walls were knocked down. _Had he really doe that?_ My face got hot again, but I heard another _ping_ on my phone, and I realized I hadn’t responded to Dean.

 

**Dean: What ypu wana talke do t you ?”**

 

**Me: Not while it seems as though you have used all your gas money to buy shots.**

 

There was another thought, too. Maybe he had. The thought worried me a bit, but then I calmed down when I saw he replied fast. Maybe he was reassuring me.

 

**Dean: Oh shit man**

 

_Shit._

 

**Me: What. Please tell me you didn’t do that.**

 

**Dean: I atill have money i can sleep in tje car or whatever ill come get you be ause i kove tou**

 

I sighed. I had tried playing along. At this point, I was just hurt. I was distressed. I couldn’t really just sit here and take it anymore.

 

**Me: No, you don’t**

 

**Dean: Yes i dooo**

 

I had taken all the paths I thought I could take. But I realized that I hadn’t even asked him to just go to bed.

 

**Me: Good. Why don’t you get some sleep?**

 

**Dean: I wish you wre bere**

 

_No, of course you couldn’t just go to sleep. Nope. You had to add in some little comment to make me feel worse, right?_

 

**Me: I wish I was there too. That way I could force you to drink some water.**

 

**Dean: What you wouldnt use the fact that im wasted?)**

 

I assumed “wasted” was another term for “drunk,” but what would I “use” him for? I didn’t like this Dean. This Dean just wanted me to be hurt.

 

**Me: What do you mean? What would I use it for?**

 

I rubbed my eyes in frustration as I dreadfully awaited his response. Immediately. I heard three _pings_  come from my phone.

 

**Dean: I love how you cant take a hint**

**Sex**

**Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx**

 

**Sex? Really? People have sex when they’re drunk?**

 

**Me: Dean, no. Not while you’re drunk.**

 

**Dean: Whag id i wasnt drunk**

 

_If you weren’t drunk..._

 

**Me: I’m not answering that while you’re “hopped up” on alcoholic drinks.**

 

**Dean: Aweww fjck**

 

_Sorry to disappoint._

 

**Me: You shouldn’t drive tomorrow. Not with the after effects of all that drinking.**

 

**Dean: I jave to get yoi. The car woll be fixed snd ill come get you.**

 

_Please don’t, actually. I just want you to sleep this off..._

 

**Me: Dean... no, I’m fine. Take a day off.**

 

**Dean: No i have ti help**

 

**Me: Text me tomorrow. When you’re sober. Goodnight.**

 

**Dean: Oo bye. Your like aa kitrne angel. Bye kitten wngel**

 

_Finally._  I sighed, relieved that he was finally going to bed. I put down my phone without replying and fell asleep as soon as my eyelids fell shut.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We added a couple extra texts that weren't in the screenshots. We'll be adding those in later. They were too good not to add them in. We had to.


	6. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas admits his feelings and Dean doesn't take it well.

I had been driving for 24 straight hours (and been awake for about twice that) when I drove my baby straight into a signpost.

I should have taken a break. At least pulled over and slept for an hour or two, but every time I thought of resting the thought, Cas is more important shoved its way into my thoughts, so I kept going. When my eyelids began to feel heavy, I just cranked up the music and gripped at the steering wheel. It worked for a while, and I drove, head nodding slightly to the music and foot tapping, keeping myself moving to convince myself I wasn’t tired. But my head started instinctively lowering and my eyelids grew too heavy to keep open. It wasn’t in my control anymore. My eyelids closed and my hands slid off the steering wheel

I’d been unconscious for a few seconds when Baby jerked to a stop with a loud _BANG_. My eyes snapped open. The signpost I had just run into made one, loud creaking sound and toppled over the hood, crashing into the windshield and cracking and shattering the glass. I felt heat tear through the side of my face as one of the shards flied toward me. The painful heat spread as blood began to gush out of the wound. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, my arm coming up to cover my face a few seconds too late.

_Shit._

I lowered my arm to take a good look at the damage.  The signpost that hit the windshield had almost completely  shattered the window, the rest of the glass that clung in the right place was cracked, ready to fall apart at the tiniest touch.   The signpost itself was lying next to me, the metal bar sticking out through the gaping hole in the windshield. I couldn't see much through the  hit, but from what I could see the hood had dented in a few places where the signpost ran into the front hood on its way over to my windshield.

_Fucking shit._

I opened the door, pushing small shards of glass off my lap as I got out, preparing myself for what my baby might look like.

She wasn’t the worst she’d been, not by far, but it still wasn’t a pretty sight. The signpost and bounced of the hood a couple times, leaving dents that pushed the sides of the hood upward slightly. The sign had gone all the way through at one point, leaving a gash a few inches long. The front bumper also had a pretty bad dent, forcing the sides forward slightly. And then, the windshield... was destroyed.

Looking at her I knew she had to be fixed before I could keep on driving, and that meant an extra day of waiting for Cas.

_God fucking dammit._

Luckily I’d managed to crash in a small town, not the middle of freakin’ nowhere. I’d probably be able to find an auto shop somewhere. I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves.

_Well I guess I’d better get some help._

  
  


 

Somehow I’d been convinced to go to an emergency room to get the cut sewn up. I’d managed to find someone to help with Baby (who was waiting in a local auto shop until the next day to be fixed up), and they insisted on taking me there. It’s not like I could tell them that I was basically a damn fugitive and avoided hospitals unless it was life or death, so I went along and let them take me there. So, a couple hours after I crashed my baby like a moron, I found myself sitting on one of those weird half-bed-half-table things trying to build up the courage to text Cas like a damn girl (Or mother hen) because I didn’t want to worry him. The dude had enough on his plate as it was, and I didn’t want him to worry about me. I sighed (again), brought out my phone and texted.

 

**Ok so, no big deal, but I’ve been held back a little. It’s going to be a little longer before i get there**

 

It didn’t take long before he texted me back.

 

**What happened? Are you okay?**

 

I hesitated. I didn’t want to tell him everything. Maybe he would just leave it at _I was just delayed._

 

**I’m fine. it’s nothing, I’m just going to be delayed by about a day. Don’t worry**

 

**You’re lying. What Happened.**

 

My jaw clenched. I guess he wasn’t. I sat for a moment, trying to think of a way to make _I crashed my baby_ sound as unimportant as possible.

 

**Look, it’s nothing. I was driving, and I haven’t slept in a while and I fell asleep on the road and hit a sign. The car needs to be fixed up. The windshield shattered and one of the head lights broke**

 

**But are you okay?**

 

_I already said I was fine, Cas. Quit worrying. I don’t need you to worry about me._

 

**Just a little banged up. Don’t worry about it**

 

**Dean, I told you. I always worry.**

 

I frowned. _what does he mean by that?_ He didn’t need to worry. I could always handle myself. But Cas had always showed more concern for me than anyone else. It just didn’t make sense. Why worry about me?

 

**Well, quit it I don’t need you to worry about me.**

 

**Fine. Just get better. If you are hurt, I can no longer heal you.**

 

I winced at the text. _So that’s what’s bothering him_. He wasn’t an angel. He couldn’t heal me. And he was probably blaming himself for me getting into this accident because I was driving to get him. _Dammit, Cas. It’s not even that bad. Just a scratch_. I sighed, which I’d been doing way too much. He seemed irritated by the way he wrote the text. Like something else other than just what he mentioned was annoying him.

 

**I’m fine, Cas. I just have to convince these jackass doctors that too. Why do you worry about me so much?**

 

As if on cue, one of the nurses I’d seen knocked on the door and come in, holding a form clipped to a clipboard, and a pen.

“Here’s the form saying you’re leaving against the doctor’s recommendations” she said. I gave a brief smile, took the clipboard and pen, signed it and handed it back. She smiled, glanced at it once and said, “all right. You should be free to go.” I nodded, grabbed my jacket, and started to head out. The woman who gave me a ride was waiting outside in the waiting room. She’d offered to give me a ride to the nearest motel so I wouldn’t have to wander around aimlessly (though to be honest I saw her flirt and was pretty sure that she didn’t just want to give me a ride). My phone buzzed. I remembered what I had asked him in that last text, and my stomach clenched when I thought about what his answer might be. _Why did I even ask him that?_ I took a deep breath and checked the text.

 

**Because you are the main reason that it’s worth being alive, at this point.**

 

_What?_

My mind was blank except for that word. I was the only reason it was worth being alive? _Me?_

_...What?_

 

**...what...?**

 

A pathetic answer, but it was the only word I could think of.

“So you just to the nearest motel, right?” She asked. My head snapped up from my phone and I nodded, giving her a polite smile. What was her name again? I followed her out, not really paying much attention to her.

 

Dean, I’m human. There is nothing I can do with my life but look after you.

 

Something about what he was saying took me back to more than just this one occasion. All those times he saved me. All those times he did anything, he always said he was doing it for me. _But why me, Cas? Why me? Why do you insist on looking after me?_ As I asked myself that, I realized that was what I should ask him.

 

**But, why me?**

 

“Who you texting?” She asked. A part of me wanted to groan at her attempt at small talk. _I just want a ride, lady._

“Just a friend I’m supposed to be picking up.”

“So that’s why you fell asleep at the wheel” I grunted in reply. There was a pause. “Wait. How long have you been driving, anyway?” She asked.

_Buzz._

“About a day. He’s in Oregon.”

She stopped unlocking the car and looked up at me from across the hood of her car.

“You’ve been driving for a day?! Nonstop?”

I shrugged in reply. “I stopped for gas and some food once or twice.” I turned my attention back to my phone.

 

**Dean, you are important to me. That’s why.**

 

I was getting pissed. I needed an answer. Not all this vague bullshit I was getting from him. I wish I could be there, right in front of him so I could get a damn straight answer out of him. I heard what’s-her-face mumble something under her breath along the lines of _some friend_ , but I ignored it. I opened the car door, texting with my free hand.

 

**But why not Sammy as well?**

 

I heard her sigh as she sat down in the driver’s seat.

 

**Sam and I have an interesting relationship, but in no way does it compare to ours.**

 

_Still no freakin straight answer._

 

**...what do you mean?**

 

“The motel’s not far. Just a couple minutes drive.” She said with forced nonchalance, starting the car. I nodded.

“Thanks for the ride.” She smiled, pulling out of the parking lot.

 

**Dean, what do you think I mean?**

 

_What kind of a fucking question is that?_ My jaw clenched. What _did_ I think he meant? The second the thought really crossed my mind, I pushed it away. I didn’t want to think about that. It just made my stomach clench even more than it already was. So, naturally, I avoided answering.

 

**I just... Never understood the whole “profound bond” thing.**

 

I really didn’t understand it. I never really did. I got that he was closer to me than he was to Sam, but I never got why. Why he didn’t love Sam more than me like everyone else did.

 

**I raised you from Hell. I used almost all the power I had to do so. At the time, it was necessary. Now, I feel connected to you in ways you may never understand.**

 

_Dammit what the fuck does he mean? Why can’t he just give me a normal, intelligible answer?!_

 

**Try me.**

 

_Do you think I’m a moron or something? Give me a fucking answer!_

 

**I can’t explain it. I’m not used to feeling emotions like these.**

 

He was lying. I knew it. He knew exactly what to say but he just didn’t want to say it. Anger and terror rushed through me. He couldn’t give me a straight fucking answer. _Why_?

 

**Dude, stop beating around the freaking bush and tell me already**

 

The pause was so long I started to think he’d just put his phone down and decided to ignore me. I jumped when the phone buzzed again, scrambling to see the answer

 

**I love you, Dean.**

 

My mind went blank.

Every thought that could have come to me, every thought that had been there was just gone. I didn’t know what to say to myself, let alone him.

So I stared.

And stared.

I couldn’t stop staring.

I wasn’t reading, I wasn’t even really looking, just staring  blankly at the screen. My mind scrambled for a thought, and after an eternity of staring, a thought finally crossed my mind.

_What._

_Did I read that right?_

I reread the text

**_I love you, Dean_ **

_Yep. I read it right. It’s right there. That’s what it says._

_He loves me._

_He loves me? He’s in love with me? No...what? How can he be...how?_ My mind went from completely empty to completely full in a matter of seconds. My stomach clenched painfully and my heart began to race. My lips parted as I tried to control my breathing.

“Alright. Here it is.”

I almost jumped at her voice. I hadn’t even notice the engine stop. I tried my best to collect my thoughts and reply.

“Uh...thanks.” was all I managed. Without looking at her, I opened the door and got out. I stood at the side of the road as I stared at the motel and tried to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do now.

He couldn’t be in love with me. He couldn’t love me. No. Just no. He didn’t send me that text. It was a mistake. This didn’t just happen. It couldn’t.

_Fuck, he sent it._

I shoved my phone back into my pocket.

My phone buzzed again, but I ignored it. I couldn’t face those words. I needed a distraction from Cas. I needed... I needed...

I needed a goddamn drink.

The thought finally got me to stop staring at the building in front of me and look around. There was a bar right next to the motel. I forced my legs to work and headed over to the building.

I opened the door, went straight to the bar, and ordered a drink as soon as the bartender approached me. I could tell she was a slightly put off by how I talked, but I really didn’t care. I didn’t care about anyone else in the room. I barely cared about myself at that point. I just needed everything to disappear. The shots were laid out in front of me,  and I downed them in seconds. I ordered more right after.

It didn’t take long to lose track of how many shots I took. But it was enough for me to completely black out the rest of the night.

 


	7. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas talk about feelings

I woke up to the smell of coffee. The manager had managed to keep quiet as he brewed some for me. I stood up and looked at the clock on the wall. It was exactly 9:30. It was an early start to my morning, considering what a rough night I’d had last night. I sighed and stood up, going over to grab some more coffee. I was really starting to enjoy the sweet yet bitterness of the hot liquid. I had just finished stirring on the cream and sugar when my phone made a ping noise again. I laughed as I realized who it could possibly be from.

 

**[4] New Message(s)**

 

I knew they were from Dean. It made me sad to think about all the things that he had said last night. I didn’t know if it was true or not. And maybe that was the problem.

 

**Dean: What did I send...**

 

I laughed at that message. He hadn’t read it yet. I knew that much. I smiled as I watched his reactions change.

 

**Dean: Shit**

**FUCK**

 

The smile cleared from my face as I realized that he was genuinely freaked out about this. To me, it had been a big deal, but I knew that it probably embarrassed him more than it had me. I sighed as I opened the last text.

 

**Dean: Jesus Christ, Cas why didn’t you stop me?**

 

Are you kidding me? I started to feel a little bit of anger towards him. He _had_ hurt me, and now he had to blame me for saying these things? If I recalled correctly, I had told him to go to bed a while before anything had happened. I got another text from him right as I was about to reply. It was just another swear word, so I ignored it to answer his question.

 

**Me: I tried to stop you. Just forget it.**

 

_Thanks for the apology..._

 

**Dean: I was drunk. I can’t remember the last time I was that drunk, hell, I don’t even remember texting you any of that. Just, I didn’t mean what I said. I was drunk**

 

_Yes, Dean, and that’s the problem._ I couldn’t decide whether I was angry or upset. I wanted what he said to be true. Of course I did. But I knew it wasn’t. There was no way. He was denying it now. Therefore, he didn’t mean any of it. I felt the back of my eyes start to sting and my eyes begin to water. I took a deep breath and replied.

 

**Me: Drop it, Dean! I know you didn’t mean it.**

 

**Dean: Look, baby should be fixed up and ready to by this afternoon.**

 

I was happy that Dean was able to just drop it, but for some reason, I felt that he was hiding something from me. I scratched that thought, knowing that he would tell me if there was ever something I needed to know. I had been drunk before, and I knew what a hangover felt like. I almost wondered if he was throwing up a lot from it. I sighed out loud and replied to Dean. Even though he had made a mistake last night, I loved him. Nothing could change that. I wanted him happy and I needed him safe.

 

**Me: Do you feel good enough to drive?**

 

**Dean: I’ll be fine.**

 

_Yeah, I’ve heard that before. You said that before you crashed_. And not only that, but Sam said that very frequently. Including when he was drinking demons blood, and when he had no soul.

 

**Me: You always say that when something is wrong.**

 

**Dean: I’m jsut hungover I’ll be fine.**

 

_For my father’s sake I hope so._

 

**Me: Whatever. Fine.**

 

**Dean: Look, Cas I’m really sorry. Why are you so pissed anyway?**

 

_Because you don’t love me._ That was the first thought that crossed my mind. The second one was _because you didn’t mean anything you said_. I sighed, debating whether or not I should even text him back. Or if I did, what I should say. Why did Dean want to discuss it, anyways? I was perfectly fine with moving on and forgetting about it. I sipped my coffee and brushed off my shirt before I replied to him again.

 

**Me: Because you didn’t mean it. What you said last night.**

 

_Honesty is the best policy, right?_

 

**Dean: Mean what? That I love you or that I want to...do...stuff with you?**

 

I read that three times before I fully processed what he had just sent me. But I couldn’t think of the answer. I wanted him to love me. So badly. I wanted him to do “stuff” with me. _So badly_. But saying “both” might have scared him off, so I thought that I’d let him decide.

 

**Me: Either one.**

 

**Dean: Oh**   
**I don’t know what to say, Cas.**

 

Then don’t say anything! He was driving me absolutely insane. I just couldn’t handle recalling the things he said last night. There was no way I was going to believe it. And there was no way that he honestly wanted to talk about it.

 

**Me: Dean, do you really want to discuss feelings? It’s very un-like you.**

 

**Dean: You’re different.**

 

The first thought that crossed my mind was that someone else had Dean’s phone. Dean wouldn’t be willing to say these things to anyone. Not even Sam, his own brother. _Play innocent, Castiel. Whoever had Dean’s phone now knows too much about us..._

 

_Me: Well, everyone is unique. My father created us to be as such._

 

_Dean: Dammit Cas that’s not what I mean._

 

His texts had _not Dean_ written all over him. But it had to be him. No one else I knew called me Cas, other than the people we knew, and Dean had come alone... right?

 

**Me: What did you mean?**

 

**Dean: I just feel like I should... I don’t know man, It’s just different with you.**

 

I smiled a little, hoping that it was Dean. If it was, he was being extraordinarily nice. Unnecessarily nice. But I replied just the same, hoping I wasn’t saying these things to some stranger.

 

**Me: What is different with me?**

 

**Dean: I don’t talk about this crap. You’re right. But I guess I do with you.**

 

I was sure I had the most confused look on my face ever, but I stared at the screen, trying to process what he meant by the things he was saying. _Is he okay with talking about his feelings with me? Why? What did I do to deserve it?_ I sighed and decided I would try and get it out of him. If I could, fantastic. If not... I don’t know what I would do.

 

**Me: Because I’m “different”?**

 

**Dean: Yeah**

 

_Just “yeah”? Really Dean? No elaboration, No explanation, just “yeah?”_

 

**Me: I’m still confused on what you mean.**

 

**Dean: It’s easier to talk to you.**

 

_Wait, I’ve heard this before. This is what a woman said to her boyfriend... Before he asked her to marry him. Was I supposed to marry Dean? That might make Sam feel awkward. Maybe he was just... complimenting me? Maybe this was a lot more normal than I was perceiving it to be._

 

**Me: Thank you Dean.**

_Ask him, Castiel. Please. Please just ask him. The worst thing that could happen is that he says no._

**Me: Wait, then, uh, do you?**

 

_Good job, Castiel. Good job._

 

**Dean: Do I what?**

 

_Crap. Say it. Say it._

 

**Me: Do you love me?**

**Dean: ….I don’t know what to say...**

 

_I asked a question. You didn’t answer it. I get that you may not know what to say but seriously. Please. I understand if it’s no. But just answer me._

 

**Me: You didn’t answer the question, Dean.**

 

**Dean: Uh...**

 

I knew it. I should have expected the answer to be no. He was straight. He just didn’t love me. That was just something I would have to deal with. I quickly realized I should reassure him.

 

**Me: It’s okay, Dean. It was a longshot anyways.**

 

**Dean: No**

**No don’t go thinking I don’t.**

 

_Please give me a straight answer, Dean. Please_. I needed him to. After what he had done last night, all I wanted to know was if he meant it.

 

**Me: So you do?**

 

**Dean: Why is it so fucking impossible for you to take a hint?**

 

_Maybe I just want you to be straight with me._ I laughed at the way I phrased that, knowing that “straight” was another word for heterosexual. I thought it was now very possible that he was trying to tell me he loved me back, but I still just wanted him to say it.

 

**Me: Because heaven provides straight answers and honesty.**

 

Although it was true, it wasn’t the real reason that I seemingly “couldn’t take the hint.” I had just lied. And maybe, hopefully, he believed it.

 

**Dean: That was a rhetorical question, dumbass.**

 

I did a quick search on the word _rhetorical._

 

### rhe·tor·i·cal  

/rəˈtôrikəl/

 

1\. Of or relating to the art of rhetoric.

2\. Expressed in terms to persuade or impress.

  
  


I sighed and replied again, hoping that this time, I would get a true yes or no answer.

 

**Me: Why are you insulting me?**

 

**Dean: I was just joking Cas.**

 

**Me: Oh. Okay.**

**_I believe there is still a question on the table._ **

**So you love me?**

 

**Dean: You still can’t tell?**

 

_You still haven’t said it! You still haven’t answered!_

_**Me: Um, no.** _

 

**Dean: You’re a dumbass.**

_Wow, thank you._

**Yes, you dumbass.**

 

Moments in time are defined by what happens in a certain time frame. I had just gotten told I was loved for the first time in thousands of years. I didn’t know what to take from this information. But I knew I could smile. In that moment: I was smiling a thousand smiles. In that moment: I was dancing with joy. In that moment: I was _happy._ Dean would either think my unsuppressed happiness was adorable or absolutely ridiculous. But I didn’t care. No one could take this moment away from me.

 

**Me: Good. That is good.**

 

**Dean: Ok... so anyway... I’m going to see if I can sleep off this hangover while Baby’s still in the shop.**

 

_I want to be called baby, too..._

 

**Me: Okay. Goodnight, Dean.**

 

**Dean: It’s 11 a.m.**

**Ah, never mind I’ll talk to you later, Cas.**

 


	8. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up, hungover with no idea of what happened.

First: I had an unholy, gut-wrenching hangover pounding through me.

Second: why I had that hangover.

_Cas._

I groaned, rolling over on the bed that I had absolutely no recollection of passing out on. The harsh light coming through the window sharpened the dull ache behind my eyes. I groaned again, bringing an arm up to cover my face.

I stayed like that for a moment, knowing I should check my phone and finally text Cas back. Poor guy. He was probably out of his mind with worry. He tells me something like that and I completely disappear.

_He told me he loves me._

_He’s in love with me._

The words didn’t seem right. Even when I said them out loud, the words felt weird around my mouth. They just didn't belong. It felt like my mouth was trying to speak a completely different language. It felt wrong. Too impossible. Too crazy. Too...

_Maybe too good to be true._

The thought made my body freeze as a dam in my mind broke. I wanted him to feel that way. He loves me. He’s in love with me. How can he be in love with me? What does he see in me? The guy was a damn angel, he’d seen thousands, probably millions of souls. Out of all the people he could have... have _fallen_  for (I cringed at my choice of words), he fell for me. I looked back, to the way he treated me and the way I treated him, and... well how he made me feel (I was being a damn girl, but a part of me just said fuck it). When I was with him, I felt... right. Secure in a weird (totally-not-pansy) way. And when he would leave, that part of me left too. Even when I expected it, every time he left I felt like a part of me was sinking.

A part of me was shocked at what was going on in my head, another part of me was terrified that I took everything he said the wrong way.

But most of me was just so damn happy.

_He loves me._

_I felt a smile creep up on me._

_He’s in love with me._

_He loves me **back**._

I layed there in silence, trying to figure out what the hell I should do with myself when I realized I should probably text Cas. I scrambled for my pockets, patting and searching and fumbling like an awkward teenager until I found the right one. I turned on the screen and opened up the chat with Cas and I saw something that made my blood run cold.

 

**Oo bye. Your like aa kitrne angel. Bye kitten wngel**

  
  


_I sent that?_

_Oh god I was really wasted._

Without really thinking, I typed in a message and sent it.

 

**What did I send...**

 

A waited a few minute for Cas to reply, but no reply came. I bit at my lip. Shit. He’s ignoring me. I felt my jaw clench, and scrolled up to where the almost unreadable texts started. I stared at the first few in horror as I tried not to freak out.

 

**Youre g a good guu casy**

**I live you tooo man**

**Dont ever hsnge**

**I saw you this one tkme in 2014! And you wrede all high and shit**

**And craaking orgies**

 

_Oh God._

I scrolled down, not wanting to know what I sent but not being able to tear my eyes away from the screen. It was like watching a friggin car crash. I couldn’t stop.

 

**I love you casy**

**I really mwant it wwhen i said your peretty**

**I wish i could see you shirtless**

  
  


_Jesus fucking Christ. Are they all like this?!_

_I scrolled some more._

They. Were. All. Like that. Love confession after compliment after love confession. My stomach clenched and my heart sank. Every single text I’d sent was humiliating.I was speechless. Thoughtless.

Then I got to the good ones.

 

**Blow me, Cas**

**hey remembaer thath one tikme i said that**

**just doi it alraeydy**

 

_Shit._

_Fuck._

_Shit._

_I asked him to blow me_

_I actually asked him that_

Then I read the next set of texts I’d sent.

 

**i jearekd offf to you in the car**

**after i hasd to teach you how i got so fcuing boner thiknnk about  you like that**

**I screamed youyr naem,**

**i habve no regtrest**

 

My stomach clenched. I groaned and clutched at my stomach. My head started spinning and I knew what was coming. I scrambled to my feet, somehow managed to find the door to the bathroom, ran in, clutched at the toilet and puked until I was dry heaving and gasping for air.

_I’m screwed._

_Cas is never going to talk to me now._

_I probably scared the hell out of him._

I clenched at my phone so tight I saw my knuckles turn white. I scrolled through the rest, and when I got to the bottom I started to type out a message. My stomach clenched again, forcing me to lean over the bowl, my forearm pressing on my stomach to try to ease the horrible feeling in my gut. My stomach settled slightly and I finally managed to type out a reply.

 

**Shit**

**FUCK**

**Jesus Christ, Cas why didn’t you stop me?!**

 

I was a little pissed. I had no right to be, I know, but I couldn’t help it. He just went along while I humiliated myself and admitted everything I never even knew I felt for Cas. Why the hell didn’t he stop me?! I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighed, and sent another text.

 

**Fuck...**

 

I screwed up everything. Cas admits his feelings for me and I finally fucking realise mine... and then I had go do something like _that_. I groaned again, dropping my head on the arm that rested on the toilet seat.

My phone buzzed.

 _Shit. Fucking hell._ The knots in my stomach tightened (if that were freakin possible) and I readied myself to start dry heaving again. Nothing happened, so I mustered up all my courage and checked the text.

 

**I tried to stop you. Just forget it.**

  
  


I couldn’t help but cringe a little. It wasn’t as bad as I expected, but I could still tell he was pissed. I needed to explain myself. Even if he did love me (it was still weird to think that) what I said was... _way out of fucking line._

 

**I was drunk. I can’t remember the last time I was that drunk, hell, I don’t even remember texting you any of that. Just, I didn’t mean what I said. I was drunk.**

  
  


I realized that not everything I had said I didn’t mean, but most of it (like the “blow me” and the “you wanna see me shirtless” and “you’re pretty”. (Which was completely fucking true but hell I didn’t need him to know that.) was just me drunk. And it was just easier to just say that that’s what it was.

 

**Drop it, Dean! I know you didn’t mean it.**

  
  


At least he believed me.

 

**Look, baby should be fixed and ready to go by this afternoon**

 

**Do you feel good enough to drive?**

 

I smiled at the concern he showed me. _Still_ showed me.

 

**I’ll be fine**

 

**You always say that when something is wrong.**

 

I frowned. He could see right through my reassurances. I sighed. I was _not_ going to spill my guts to him over text. I didn’t even know if I could admit everything to him in person. The thought went right to my stomach and I groaned again.

_Freaking hangover_

 

**I just hungover I’ll be fine.**

 

**Whatever. Fine.**

 

I ground my teeth together. Pissed or not, he was being a baby. He was being so damn _passive aggressive_ about it it was driving me crazy. 

But Cas was kind of my exception for everything.

 

**Look, Cas I’m really sorry. Why are you so pissed anyway?**

 

The beginning of the text I sent reminded me of a guy trying to apologize to his girlfriend. Ugh.

There was an agonizing pause. Panic began to rise as I started thinking he wasn’t going to reply. _I’d deserve it if he didn’t._ I’d basically ditched him mid-text. I wouldn’t blame him if he did.

**_Buzz._ **

 

**Because you didn’t mean it. What you said last night.**

 

I suddenly remembered the text, “no you don’t” he’d sent me the night before. He really didn’t think I meant it. He thought I was just drunk and lying to him. And I was going to have to explain everything to him. _Everything_.

_Dammit, Cas!_

I paused before texting. Which part did he mean?

 

**Mean what? That I love you or That I want to... do... stuff with you.**

  
  


_Real smooth._

_What the hell am I worrying about being smooth with Cas for, anyway?_

  
  


**Either one.**

 

_Oh shit._

_ohshitohshitohshit._

That meant...

That meant that he wanted to see me shirtless. It meant that he loved me and wanted me to love him back. It meant that he thought I was pretty and that he wanted me to think he was pretty. It meant he _wanted_ me to ask him to fucking blow me. It meant that he wanted me to jerk off thinking about him. I licked my dry lips, only to find my tongue was equally dry as as it scraped against my mouth.

 

**Oh**

 

_What do I say what do I say what the hell am I supposed to say?!_

  
  


**I don’t know what to say, Cas**

  
  


Another pathetic reply, but I couldn’t just leave it at “Oh”. I couldn’t make him feel like I was ignoring him again. I couldn’t.

 

**Dean, do you really want to discuss feelings? It’s every un-like you.**

 

_Well, he got me there. Crap._

 

I knew how pansy I was being. I wasn’t exactly proud of it, but this was Cas. He needed it. And it was just something that I did. Help Cas. It was my job.

 

**You’re different**

 

**Well, everyone is unique. My father created us to be as such.**

  
  


_Seriously?_

 

**Dammit Cas that’s not what I mean**

 

**What did you mean?**

 

 _You’re different to me._ I sighed. I didn’t want to just outright say this to him over a text. This is really not the conversation I want to have over a phone. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have in person either. 

 

**I just feel like I should... I don’t know, man it’s just different with you**

 

**What is different with me?**

 

**I don’t talk about this crap. You’re right. But I guess I do with you**

 

**Because I’m “different”?**

 

**Yeah**

 

**I’m still confused on what you mean.**

 

I stared at the screen, chewing on my lip. How else was I supposed to describe it other than "I love you"?

 

**It’s easier to talk to you.**

 

**Thank you Dean.**

 

 _Is this conversation over now? Please be over._ I sent out a silent plea that that would be all of the conversation, but my phone buzzed anyway.

 

**Wait, then, uh, do you?**

 

 _What the hell is he talking about?_ I thought to myself as I got up to lay on the cheap bed.

 

**Do I what?**

 

**Do you love me?**

 

_Oh crap. I was **not** expecting that_

My stomach started twisting in a way that sent me right back to the friggin toilet. I groaned again as I tried to think of how to answer. _I could just say yes._.. the thought made my stomach twist in a way that sent me dry heaving over the bowl. Nope. Not doing that. But what else was I supposed to do? I sent a pathetic response of, ...I don’t know what to say... and leaning against the toilet.

 

**You didn’t answer the question, Dean.**

 

**Uh...**

 

I really needed to think of better ways to respond.

 

**It’s ok, Dean. It was a longshot anyways.**

  
  


I felt my chest tighten.

_No. Don't think that, Cas. Never think that._

 

**No**

 

I sent it like a reflex. I couldn’t stand the thought of him thinking that about me.

 

**No don’t go thinking I don’t**

  
  


**So you do?**

  
  


_Do I have to spell it out? Do I have to explain everything in detail? Do I have to say I love you over a goddamn text?_

  
  


**Why is it so fucking impossible for you to take a hint?**

  
  


The text seemed angrier than I’d intended.

 

**Because heaven provides straight answers and honesty.**

 

I couldn’t help but smirk at the him using the phrase, “straight answers” in the situation. _Because this is as fucking straight as it gets._

 

**That was a rhetorical question, dumbass**

 

**Why are you insulting me?**

 

I let out the biggest sigh I could muster and pressed my forehead on my arm before replying.

 

**I was just joking Cas**

 

**Oh. Okay.**

 

_Please just drop the whole thing. Please._

_**Buzz.** _

_Why does this always happen?_

  
  


**So you love me?**

 

I honestly didn’t get how he still didn’t see it. Shouldn’t it be obvious considering the way I didn’t want to answer? Shouldn't it have been obvious from the moment I ignored my phone because the thought of him loving me freaked me out so much?

 

You still can’t tell?

 

**Um, no.**

  
  


I texted him the first thought that came to mind.

 

**You’re a dumbass**

 

I should probably actually give him an answer... There was no way I was going to “say” I love you. Not like this. (Hell, probably not in person either. I could barely say it to myself)

 

**Yes, you dumbass**

 

I stared at the text in stunned silence. _I sent that. Holy shit I actually just did that. No going back now._

Oh crap, now going back now.

That was it. I said it (kind of), it was out there. He knew it and I knew it.

At that moment I knew we were never going back to the way things were before. Even if nothing came out of this, we didn’t... _whatever_. Good or bad, things were going to be different. You can’t just go back after something like that.

My pulse sped up when my phone vibrated in my hand.

 

**Good. That is good.**

 

 _Really?_ I laughed at the ridiculously underwhelming response. _I send you **that** and that’s what you have to say_. Even I had to admit... it was kind of... adorable. It was obvious that he was freaking out in reality and didn’t know what to say. I pictured him looking at his phone with that gentle smile I’d only seen once or twice and smiled at the thought.

I pulled myself out of my train of thought and back to what was in front of me. I looked around me and realised that I needed sleep. My head was pounding. My whole body was aching and exhausted.

 

**Ok...so anyway... I’m going to see if I can sleep off this hangover while Baby’s still in the shop.**

  
  


**Okay. Goodnight, Dean.**

  
  


_Goodnight? What the hell?_

  
  


**It’s 11 am**

_Oh whatever it doesn't matter._  He was probably nervous and I needed sleep.

**Ah, never mind ill talk to you later, Cas**

 

I turned off the screen, stumbled over to the bed, and passed out the second my head hit the pillow.

 


	9. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something goes wrong

10:41 a.m. The clock _ticked_ on. I had been stuck in this room for days now. Days. I wanted air. I needed air. Maybe I would go sit down at a nearby park. I would listen to the children, talk to a parent, anything. I just didn’t want to be trapped in that room much longer.

 

**Me: Dean, how far away are you?**

 

**Dean: Nevada. I know this is taking a while but I’m going as fast as I can. I might be able to get there by the end of today. Are you ok, Cas?**

 

**Me: Yes. I just miss you. And Sam, of course.**

 

_Nice save._

 

**Dean: Well I’ll be there soon. Don’t forget to find something to eat.**

 

I decided that a reply wasn’t necessary. I went even further back into the store to find the manager’s office.

“I’ll be back soon. I need some air,” I told him. He looked up at me and gave a small nod.

“Okay, have fun,” he said.

“Thanks.”

I walked out of the salvation army, waving a small amount to Betsy and LouAnn, who were having another conversation. I walked outside, looking for a park. I knew there was one about a mile west of me. I began to walk, looking down at the sidewalk at the small rocks that were below my feet. I got to the park and sat on the bench, expecting to sit there for a couple hours. It seemed as though everything was finally good. Dean would be here by later this evening, I was slowly getting better, and everything seemed more and more on the bright side.

I had been sitting there for about three hours when I looked up to see a group of men in front of me, talking to each other. I froze when I realized something.

I recognized them.

The men. The men that had originally beat me up. The men that had left a large, foot-shaped bruise on my side ribs. The men that had left me on the sidewalk to sit in pain. They stood in front of me. They hadn’t seen me. I needed to get out of the park and back into the building. I stood up and slowly started walking away, hoping they wouldn’t see. I hated having to turn my back on them, but in order to get to the building, I had to. And that was my mistake.

“Hey, where ya going?” said the man. I recognized him as being the one that called me a “queer.”

“Just... out of your way,” I told him.

“Aww, but we were looking for you,” he told me. I had no better option than to go with it. For some reason, they wanted me dead. Then I realized why. He blinked, grinning an evil smile. His eyes were pure black. Demon. Demon. Demon. Demon... They were all demons. All five of them. And they didn’t want me, personally. They wanted Dean. I wasn’t sure when they had been possessed, but somehow, I knew that they were possessed even when they first beat me up. I knew that taking out my phone and texting Dean was a bad idea. But I knew he needed to know. That’s when the oldest man grabbed me by both my wrists and walked me to wherever they were taking me. I couldn’t fight back. There was no way. I was outnumbered, and I didn’t exactly know how to fight.

After a half an hour or so of walking, we arrived at a building. It was run-down and old. Abandoned and empty. In all honesty, very cliche.They threw me in and I immediately saw where they were taking me. There were bars at about waist height. I also saw mirrors on the walls, but the whole building was rustic and dirty. They had chained my hands to the bar and tied it. I couldn’t move from my position. Once I was fully tied up, the oldest man rejoined the four other men and they discussed what to do.

“Let’s just wait for her,” said the shortest one.  

“You think we should hurt him first?”

“Nah, we should wait to see what she wants to do.”

My eyes were filled with tears. My vision was blurred and I couldn’t see much. But the woman they had been discussing walked in the room and I immediately recognized her. The way she walked, the way she dressed... She was the head demon. She was also the woman that had helped me at the first hotel I had strolled into. The one that gave me the erection. The one that had given me coffee. I looked at her with pleading, tear-filled eyes. In her hand, she held a needle of some purple colored substance. I knew that substance. That was Demon Elixir. Injecting the elixir was like an acid trip for nightmares. If you injected it, your only reality is all your fears. I watched her as she walked towards me with the needle full of purple liquid. I cringed as she knelt down next to me.

“Nice to see you again,” she whispered in my ear. I shivered as she pulled away slightly. Now immobilized, she took advantage. She began kissing me, shoving her tongue in my mouth and licking the insides of my teeth. I bit down on her tongue and she pulled back.

“Fine, I won’t have fun with you before I kill you,” she said. She stuck the needle in the side of my throat and injected the elixir. The first thing I noticed was the sting of the liquid spread through my blood and my veins. It felt like someone had set fire to my insides. I screamed as loud as I could. I couldn’t help it. The pain kept growing as it moved through the rest of my body. I threw my head back, inwardly begging for it to stop. It didn’t. The woman reached into my back pocket.

“Ah! Here it is,” she said. I watched as she scrolled through my texts, smiling from time to time, laughing from time to time. The men sat at a table in the far corner of the building, drinking alcohol and watching the woman as she paced the floor, reading. I sat in pain, the hallucinations just beginning. The first thing that changed was the woman’s face. It had turned into an evil, hollow face. I blinked at it went away for a while. I continued breathing through my mouth as she began to talk to me.

“This is him, right? This is your boyfriend Dean?” she asked me. I didn’t respond to her as she looked up at me, getting ready to type something.

“Let’s text him, shall we? We’ll let him know something’s up.”

I spit in her face and she stood up. She stepped back a few feet and leaned up against the wall adjacent to me. She was probably only about five feet away from me, but I couldn’t reach her. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. All I could do at that point was watch.

“Dean...” said the woman as as she typed.

 _Fantastic_ , I thought. _She’s going to read them out loud to me._

I heard the ping on my phone and I knew that he replied.

“What is it? Are you okay?” she read his reply out loud with a laugh. “Man, he’s protective of you, isn’t he?” she asked me. My face twisted into a mix of disgust and pain. I hated this woman, but there was nothing I could do. I felt the Demon Elixir pumping through my blood. Like acid being rushed forcefully through me. I started to feel a bit drowsy, but I stayed awake. She stopped reading the replies and texts out loud, but I could hear the continuous pings on my phone. Then they stopped. I looked up at her, confused.

“He stopped replying to me once he found out it wasn’t you,” she explained. My eyes watered as I realized that the hallucinations were beginning. It started with spiders. They crawled out from every corner of the ballet studio. But they were huge. The size of a toddler’s head, at least. Hundreds of them, racing at me. I dug my nails into my skin and blinked. I felt the hot water from my tears trip from my face. I looked at the woman, who was still texting Dean, even though he wasn’t replying.

“Oh, how rude of me. I should really read these out loud,” she said.

“Come and find him, Winchester,” she said as she hit the send button.

“You won’t,” she continued to read the texts out loud. I cringed at each one.

“And I may just continue to show him what pain feels like,” she said.

“Or maybe we’ll just kill him.”

That one hurt me. I couldn’t die. Not before seeing Dean again. Not before I got to feel him one more time... Possibly one last time. I could feel the tears coming down. I couldn’t help it, I was in a lot of pain. But the tears were so hot I was convinced they were boiling. I was crying boiling hot tears. I breathed awkwardly due to the crying and tried to scream at the woman, but nothing came out. I couldn’t speak. Or maybe I could, but I couldn’t tell.

“Oh, you like that one, do you? How ‘bout this then? Death by little Cas, who never got to see his lover again,” she said, hitting send. I continued to look around the room as nightmares appeared everywhere. I almost couldn’t handle it. At this point, I wanted to die. She stopped reading the texts out loud again, but I knew she was sending them. I heard a ping and looked up, worried.

“He said ‘I will find you and I will rip your lungs out you little bitch.’ That’s cute considering he will be the one dying tonight. Let’s give him a location to die, shall we? There’s no way I’m going to kill him here.”

My eyes rolled to the back of my head. My mind was racing at a thousand miles per hour and I began to feel like I couldn’t breathe. Maybe my lungs were closing up, and maybe they weren’t. I couldn’t tell what was real anymore. She dropped the phone on the floor, but it was too far away to reach. She turned to walk out the door and she looked at the group of men.

“Hurt him. Or kill him, I don’t care either way,” she told them. The youngest man gave me an evil smile as the woman walked out of the door.       


	10. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT I WILL POST CHAPTER 11 EXTRA EARLY OK

When I woke up I still had a killer migraine and my stomach was still _not_ happy with me, but it was slightly more manageable than before. I rolled over on my back and opened my eyes. The light still hurt, but, like the pit in my stomach, it was better than earlier. I let my eyes adjust to the light while I thought about the conversation I had with Cas.

So it was out in the open. We both knew how we felt about each other. _What now?_ What were we? Obviously not just... Whatever the hell we were before all this. I would say we'd been friends, but it never really felt like that. There was never an explanation for what we were, and to be honest, it seemed like I wouldn’t be getting a good explanation anytime soon. I sat up, deciding I had more important things to do. I glanced at the clock. 6 am. _Jesus Christ. 19 frickin’ hours_. I grabbed my phone, (no new messages from Cas) stuffed it in my pocket, grabbed my unopened bag and headed out.

It was two hours later, and my baby was (almost) good as new - I could have done a hell of alot better of a job - and I was maybe a twelve hour drive from Burns, Oregon. I didn’t want to admit to myself that my stomach was still in knots at the idea of seeing Cas after all the stuff that happened, but it was kind of hard to ignore when all you had was some good tunes and an empty road to distract you. And it especially didn’t help when what you were doing was related to all this _stuff_. I took a deep breath, cranked up the music, and tried my best not to think about it.

A few more hours passed. The haze of the hours blurred together was interrupted when I felt my phone vibrate. I jumped slightly and stuffed my hand in my pocket. I checked who it was from. _Cas. Who else?_

 

**Dean, how far away are you?**

 

I felt my eyebrows knit together. Is he ok? _(What a surprise. Mother Hen again.)_

 

**Nevada. I know this is taking a while but I’m going as fast as I can. I might be able to be there by the end of today. Are you ok, Cas?**

 

**Yes. I just miss you. And Sam, of course.**

 

_Nice save._

 

**Well, I’ll be there soon. Don’t forget to find something to eat**

 

_I should count how many times the words “Mother Hen” comes up in my head._

I put my phone down, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. I knew he worried about me and I worried about him, but I didn’t like the whole touchy-feely crap. I didn’t like how it was completely obvious that he only really missed me (I mean, he missed Sam, but he probably missed me more which was weird to think about) and it was just such a couply thing to say I didn’t know how to feel about it. I didn’t do _couply_ crap. Not Dean Winchester. I blasted the Led Zepplin that was playing and, once again, ignored the nagging in the back of my mind.

 

I was finally in Oregon, maybe an hour from Burns when my phone buzzed.

 

**Dean…**

 

Something wasn’t right. It didn’t take a genius to see that. I wasn’t sure if I should be nervous about what was going wrong now, or annoyed because _what now, dammit._

 

**What is it? Are you ok?**

 

How he always managed to get that mother hen reaction out of me, I’ll never know. Sammy was the only other person to get that reaction from me.

 

**Actually, no.**

 

_Seriously? That’s all you’re gonna give me?_

 

**What? What is it?**

 

**The attackers. I ran into them again.**

 

I swallowed nervously. God dammit just when things start to look ok again, shit like this has to happen. I ground my teeth together and sighed. _We never caught a break before, why would it be any different now?_

 

**What?! Are the following you? What are they doing?**

 

I resisted the urge to throw my phone out the window.   _Probably not a good idea to destroy my only landline to Cas._ I held on to the steering wheel to keep me from taking my anger out on the damn phone as I waited for a reply.

_Silence._

I checked my phone. Maybe my phone glitched out and it just didn’t alert me. I checked the screen.

Nothing.

_Shit._

 

**Cas?**

 

_Maybe he was just distracted. Maybe he just got away from them and couldn’t text me. He’s fine._

My phone buzzed. I scrambled to get it.

 

**Hahahaha, so you’re the little queer’s bitch?**

 

_Not Cas._

_Not Cas. Not Cas. That is not Cas._

Someone took Cas. They took Cas. Fear and anger rushed through me. I swore right then that whoever took him was going to die.

 

**I swear to god if you hurt him I will kill you**

 

_Well I’m going to kill them even if they don’t._

I tossed my phone aside. There wasn’t really any point in talking to whoever the hell it was. I slammed my foot on the gas and Baby surged forward. My phone buzzed again, but I forced myself to ignore it. To not think about what they could be saying. Or doing.

_Buzz._

_Just ignore it, Dean._

_Buzz._

_They’re not saying anything important._

_Buzz._

_God Dammit_

I grabbed the phone and skimmed through the texts.

 

**Come and find him, Winchester.**

**And I may just continue to show him what pain feels like.**

**Death by little Cas, who never got to see his lover again.**

 

Red filled the corners of my vision. I stopped reading them and typed out a reply. It was a really, really moronic thing to do, but I was pissed.

 

**I will find you and I will rip your lungs out you little bitch**

 

I kept my phone clutched in my hand as I kept steering. By then I was going so fast most of the world around me was a blur. Or was that just my anger that was doing that to me?

The phone kept on buzzing. _God dammit they are not going to stop._ I looked at the screen again and read a couple texts.

 

**Are you almost here?**

**I could kiss you like I kissed your boyfriend.**

 

My teeth ground together as my jaw clenched tightly. Probably a chick. And she wanted to see me. Good.

 

**You want me tell me where you are and I’ll come get you**

 

**Okay. Deal. But I’m leaving Cas with my men here. You only see him if you…**

 

_Really? Way to be fucking dramatic._

 

**If I what!**

 

**Cooperate.**

 

**Tell me where you are**

 

**You can meet me at the bar called “Showtime Bar & Grill”**

 

**Kind of a fitting name, don’t you think?**

 

**Ill be there in half an hour.**

 

I ignored the text she sent after that. Showtime Bar & Grill. Shouldn’t be too far away.

 

I didn’t even hesitate for a second when I got there. I parked (more like got near the parking spaces and floored the breaks) Baby, grabbed my gun, tucked it into my belt and grabbed a shotgun from the back and ran in. I shoved the door open and there she was.

She reminded me of Abaddon, the way she looked. Her hair was up in some weird way and her makeup was bold. She stood with confidence - just like any other demon - her feet shoulder width apart, head tilted, and smile playing on her lips.

“Hey, baby.” She mocked, hey smile widening. I stared at her. I was _not_ going to deal with all this bullshit.

“Where’s Cas.” I demanded. She laughed, throwing back her head and showing off the pale skin of her neck. I took a step toward her.

“Cas isn’t here, sweetheart. It’s just you and me.” She mirrored my steps.

“Tell me where Cas is and I won’t kill you, bitch.” She laughed again.

“Oh, I think we both know that you’ll kill me even if I do tell you.” She gave a mockingly-thoughtful, “Well, you’ll try.” She grinned at me, blinking, her eyes turning black. she brought her arm up and flicked her wrist, and I was sent flying across the room, tumbling over the bar and landing on the other side, shards of glass laying around me. I groaned and pushed myself up weakly. I grabbed at the edge of bar and pulled myself up. I winced at the glass that dug into my skin. I hunched over the granite, and tried to steady myself before lifting my head up. Her face was inches from mine. She had placed her elbows on the bar, and placed her head in her hands.

“You’re not looking so hot,” she smirked. “but you are lookin’ sexy.” She grabbed at my shirt and pulled me forward into an aggressive kiss. I tried to pull back, but her grip was like iron. I tightened my grip on my blade, and brought it up, stabbing her in the shoulder. She let go, screaming in pain. I twisted the knife and she screamed again.

“Where’s Cas?!” I shouted again. She attempted a laugh, but it came out pained and twisted

“Wow, you are head of heels for him, aren’t you?” I twisted the knife again in anger.

“Where’s the hell is Cas?!” She grimaced and held back another scream.

“It’s going to take a little more than that to get me to talk.” she growled.

“Oh, I can go all night.” I dug the knife in deeper and dragged it down, making the gash longer. She screamed again. I kept on digging and twisting, dragging the knife where I could. Blood spilled over my hand and dripped over the bar and onto the floor. Her screams filled the room.

“Alright!” She screamed in agony. I stopped twisting the knife, but didn’t pull it out.   
“Alright! I’ll tell you. Just stop, please!” I didn’t move the knife. She took a few gasps before continuing. “At the old dance studio. It’s just one block away, down the street.” She gestured her head in the direction. _Ballet studio? What kind of a place to keep a hostage is that_. I smirked at her.

“Thanks,”

“So…” she let out a weak laugh, “you gonna let me go now?” She looked up at me with a nervous grin on her face. I gave one single, angry laugh.

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

I ripped the knife out of her shoulder and stabbed it through the back of her neck. Her skin and eyes flashed orange-red, and she slumped down on the granite.

I pulled the knife out and leaned back on the wall that was a few feet behind me. Breathless, I glanced around. I saw a bottle of whiskey that had managed to stay intact through all that, grabbed it and took a swig. It burned slightly on its way down, but the warmth spread through me and relaxed my muscles. I let out a small sigh, and headed out the door, carrying the bottle with me.

 


	11. Castiel

There was fire, ice, and tendrils of smoke. Blood crawling up my legs, digging into my spine. Hands made of ash crawled across the ground, emerging from the flames, toward me. Blood dripped from the ceiling, staining the hands. As soon as the blood touched the hand, it dissolved. The closer the hands got to me, the more of them I saw. The flames hugged the hands. More fire. More blood. The demons stood there, watching with uncanny bravery. I knew I had to get out of there. I had to leave. This place was crawling with nightmares. The demons cackled when they heard blood-curdling screams that i’m sure were mine. I heard a voice, screaming desperately for a savior. For some sort of way out.   _Was that me?_

The hands began to crawl their way up my legs, scratching and digging their nails into me with every grab. I could feel the heat from the fire, clutching my skin, burning me from the outside in. It was obvious that the demons were more than amused. _Where was Dean..._

Then he walked in. I could swear he had a halo. He looked at me. I could tell he had conflicting emotions. Happy to see me, but not like this. I was frightened. More than I’d ever been.  He stepped forward and I looked at him, scared. I was sure I looked like a deer in headlights, The world was spinning, and there was nothing I could do about it.  I could do nothing but watch as the tallest man showed me my worst fear. Dean was stabbed in the back. Literally. The knife went clean through his spinal cord and he bled on the knife. I screamed something I hoped sounded like “don’t hurt him,” but at that moment, I wasn’t sure what had come out of my mouth. I looked at my lap and saw that I had blood spilling out of my mouth and dripping onto my lap. I could only hope that I was hallucinating as I watched Dean kill the demons, getting stabbed or shot every once in awhile. I cringed every time he did, hoping that it would never be real.

Like I knew he would,  he killed the last demon and ran over to me. The hallucinations hadn’t stopped, but I needed to shake myself out of it. My head rolled from side to side as Dean frantically tried to get me out of there. I tried to stay awake, at least until I could get into the Impala. I felt like I was tripping the whole way out, though. Dean helped me get into the car as I held on for dear life.

We were almost there - to the Impala -  when it looked like we were standing on the edge of a cliff. Where the bottom was, I couldn’t see. I shoved my hand out to stop Dean from walking over it, my eyes huge in fear. He looked at me, and I don’t think I’d ever seen him that scared. “Cas, it’s not real, I promise.” He stepped out first to show me. Sure enough, the hallucination disappeared and we made it to the Impala. Dean helped guide me to the seat as I looked around for the next nightmare. The roof of the car began to drip fire. Liquid fire that I could only pray wouldn’t hit me. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as the blur of the world outside the car continued.  

Dean pulled into the parking space of the motel and ran to try and get me out of there as quick as possible. Every step increased the length between me and the motel. Every step I took made it seem further and further away. Somehow, we made it in. The cool air made me feel really hot. I started sweating as Dean booked a room. I put my warm forehead on my arm as he tried to lead me to our room. I wasn’t walking straight and I kept running into everything. “Just hang in there, Cas. Okay?” Dean asked me. I couldn’t respond to him, though. I started hyperventilating as he shoved the key card into the lock. “Cas! Cas no!” he shouted. I tried my best to give a small “Dean...” but the world blurred into darkness as I collapsed into strong arms  

I felt the end of my bed get weighted down. My eyes barely opened and my body ached. I wasn’t wearing a shirt, but most of the blood had been cleaned off of my body. My eyes rolled and I looked around the motel room. There was a nightstand next to my bed and a small TV in front of me playing a show I knew Dean liked that had doctors in it. He stared intently at the screen, not knowing I was awake. “Dean...” I said, trying  to get his attention. He jumped and looked at me, surprised. I gave him the best smile I could manage and he ran towards me, to sit next to me. “Cas, how ya feelin?” He said as he attempted smiling at me. I could tell that he was worried still, and that he wouldn’t be smiling for a while.

“Better,” I told him. “Much better.”

“Good. I called Sam and he did a quick search on that stuff they gave you. It should wear off on its own in a couple hours.”

I nodded and looked at the glass of water sitting on the nightstand. I tried to sit up, but the pain protested as much as it could. I winced and Dean reached his hands out to me.

“No, you need rest,” he said as he held me up. Dean grabbed the water for me and handed it to me. I took a sip and gave it back to him. He set it on the table and I looked up at him. Dean helped me lay down and I sighed, feeling pain in my ribs when I did. I looked over at the room, noticing that there was only one bed.

“One bed?” I asked him, curious.

I saw Dean’s face grow red and he put his hand through his hair.

“Yeah, I didn’t have enough money for two,” he said. “I can sleep on the floor...”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” I told him. “Just sleep with me.”

I watched Dean’s face grew red as I finished saying that. I blinked as I realized what he thought I meant. But I didn’t take it back.

“Are you sure? Because I can sleep in the car…” Dean offered. I interrupted him.

“Why are you doing all this for me?” I asked him.

“What? What do you mean?” he asked with a mix of shock and confusion.

“After everything I’ve done… Why haven’t you just… given up on me?”

“Because, uh, you’re family. I wouldn’t leave you, Cas.”

“So I am similar to a brother to you?” I asked him, tilting my head slightly.

“What? No. It’s… It’s not like that.”

I looked away, still confused, and put my hand up to my forehead.

“Then what is it like?” I asked. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but simply closed it again. He gestured with his hands. He was flustered.

“Cas, didn’t we talk about this...over the phone ?”

“I suppose so, but it didn’t seem very real to me,” I admitted.

“What do you mean it didn’t seem real? Why wouldn’t it be?”

There was a silence as I thought about what that could mean. Dean fidgeted for a second as he realized what he actually said.

“I figured someone had your phone. You had never previously shown much affection towards me.”

“No, Cas. That was me,” Dean reassured, looking down, trying to hide a small smile and the shake in his hands.

“So you meant what you said?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Then how come you won’t say it?”

Dean looked at me with big eyes, as if that was the worst question I’d ever asked him. He looked almost scared. I almost told him he didn’t have to answer, but he responded.

“Say what?” he asked me, as if he didn’t already know.

“That you love me,” I responded confidently. He did say I was different, didn’t he?

“Does it need saying?” he asked me. He swallowed nervously, awaiting my response.

“I believe it should be, considering the circumstances.”

Then he said it. But he said it so soft and quickly I could barely hear him. The shaking in Dean’s hands grew more obvious and I looked down, giving a small smile to myself. Still laying down, I grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him down to kiss him. It was clumsy, but gentle. There was no aggression, but there was sureness. It was soft and made my head spin more than when I kissed Meg. Dean’s eyes were closed and mine fell closed easily, enjoying the moment I thought would ever come.

Then it started to get more forceful. He brought his hand to the back of my neck and pushed it forward, kissing me down my neck before coming back up to meet my lips. He laced his fingers through my hair, tugging at it slightly. My heart began to race and I could feel the erection beginning again. Dean put his hands on my side, using my body to pull himself up higher on me so his hips matched mine and I inhaled sharply.

“Dean, I’m still hurt,” I told him. He backed up, laughing a little to himself.

“You’re right. We should do that later,” he said. It was silent in the room for a while as Dean’s face grew surprised, realizing what he just said. “No, nevermind, ignore that,” he said, trying to cover it up.

“No, I agree,” I said, reassuring him.

“Get some rest. Finish off the night. It’s one in the morning,” he told me. I closed my eyes in agreement, realizing how easy it was for me to fall asleep.  


	12. Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smexy sex!

“Dean…”

His voice was so soft and tired, and yet I still jumped when I heard him. I whipped myself around. He looked weak. Maybe a little better. He gave me a small smile and I got up and rushed over to him.

“Cas. How ya feelin?” I asked, giving him my best comforting smile, but I could feel that my expression wasn’t very convincing.

“Better. Much better.”

“Good. I called Sam and he did a quick search on that stuff they gave you. It should wear off on its own in a couple hours.”

He nodded, reaching for the water that I had placed on the nightstand. His movement stuttered as he got up, and he winced in pain. Instinctively, I wrapped a supporting arm around his shoulders, my other hand on his chest.

“No, you need rest.” I pulled away the hand that pressed on his firm chest and reached for the water. He took a sip and gave it back for me to put on the table. I placed him back down on the bed. He sighed in pain as he looked around. He seemed to notice something. He gave me his typical confused eye squint.

“One bed?” he asked. _Shit. He’s going to think that I was setting everything up so that we would have sex. Shit._ I felt my face grow hot. I ran my fingers through my hair uncomfortably.

“Yeah, I didn’t have enough money for two,” _I spent almost all my money on booze._ “I can sleep on the floor...”

“No you don’t have to do that. Just sleep with me.”

I could feel my face growing hot again. I knew that that wasn’t what he meant, _but dammit it’s not my fault that’s where my head goes to_. Cas blinked deliberately, realizing what he said, but he kept staring expectantly. I had a small moment of panic. _What the hell is someone supposed to say to that? I know he offered, but it just seems a little… weird._

“Are you sure? Because I can sleep in the car-”

“Why are you doing all this for me?” he asked suddenly. _What the hell is he talking about?_

“What? What do you mean?”

“After everything I’ve done… Why haven’t you just… given up on me?”

Was he really asking that? _After everything we’ve been through, he thinks I’ll just walk out on him?_

“Because, uh, your family.” I cringed for a moment, thinking about what family implied. “I wouldn’t leave you, Cas.” _Oh god this is so sappy._

“So I am similar to a brother to you?” he tilted his head slightly.

“What? No.” I spat out immediately. “It’s...it’s not like that.”

He looked away, rubbing his forehead to his hand in confusion. Or frustration.

“Then what is it like?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but my head had just gone blank, so I just closed it again. _Doesn’t he know all this already?_  I made random gestures with my hands, as if they would tell me what I should say. _Stop acting like a moron._

“Cas, didn’t we talk about this...over the phone?”

“I suppose so, but it didn’t seem very real to me,”

By then I was completely lost.

_Wait...what? How?_

“What do you mean it didn’t seem real Why wouldn’t it be?” Cas stared for a second, confused, deep in thought. It took me a second to realize why.

He was trying to figure out what I meant by that. What I meant in asking how it couldn’t have been real. The implications were so heavy, and so there, I didn’t know what to say. Or do. I looked at my hands, fidgeting.

“I figured someone had your phone. You had never previously shown much affection toward me.”

I looked back up at him. _Does he really think the idea of me having feelings for him is so impossible that it makes more sense to him that someone stole my phone and sent those texts?_

“No, Cas. That was me,” I felt my lips curl up by themselves. I looked back down again and my hands. They were shaking. _You faced the fucking apocalypse. Why are your hands shaking now?_

“So you meant what you said?”

_God dammit, Cas how is this not obvious?!_

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Then how come you won’t say it?” he said quickly. My head snapped back up, my eyes wide. _Shit. He wants me to say it. I should have seen this coming. Of course he wants me to say it. Why wouldn’t he?_

“It’s ok, Dean. You don’t-”

“Say what?” It was obvious to both of us that knew exactly what he was talking about.

“That you love me,” I’m not sure if the plain, matter-of-fact way that he said it made me more or less nervous. I swallowed, trying to think of anyway to not have to say it.

“Does it need saying?” I swallowed and stared,

“I believe it should be, considering the circumstances.” I stopped listening at I believe it should be.

I had to say it. I knew I did. There was no getting out of it. I don’t know why I was terrified of saying it, but I was. I took a deep breath and clenched and unclenched my fists.

Then I said it.

It was quiet and quick, but I said it. The shaking in my hands got stronger. Cas looked down slightly, smiling. Suddenly he looked up, grabbed my arm and pulled me into a kiss.

_Holy shit._

_I’m kissing Cas._

_Cas is kissing me._

It was clumsy. Soft. Not the most skilled, but I loved it. I pushed down on the kiss more, deepening it,  bringing my hand to the back of his neck, and my other to his hair, tugging a little. I broke the kiss and moved down his neck. I brought my legs over to straddle him, pressing my hips down on his, feeling the hardness in his pants. He hissed. In pain. I pulled away.

“Dean, I’m still hurt,”

_Oh yeah._

I gave a small laugh, sitting back up and bring my legs back to one side of him.

“You’re right. We should to that later,” _Did you just fucking say that?_ “No, nevermind, ignore that,”

“No, I agree,”

_Oh._

I paused for a minute, just wrapping my brain around what he just said.

“Get some rest.” I snapped myself out of my haze. “Finish off the night. It’s one in the morning.”

He passed out almost instantly. Even when he was sleeping, he still had that frown on his face. Still looked pained. I resisted the urge to run my fingers through his hair (like a freakin girl), and leaned back slightly, taking him in. He looked a little better. Surprisingly better. You’d think after having some sort of demonic acid trip and being tortured for who the hell knows how long. I cringed at the thought. Injecting him with the drug, beating him. Carving up his skin. I swallowed at the lump in my throat. _No. You are not going to fucking cry. Cas is fine now. There’s nothing to worry about._ I was tempted to go to the car and grab the bottle of whiskey, but I didn’t want to leave the motel room. Not when Cas was still hurt. Especially when there was the possibility of more demons looking for us. So I stayed, only vaguely paying attention to _Dr. Sexy MD._

Almost nine hours and a sad attempt at sleeping on the floor (there was no way I was getting into bed with Cas) later, I was taking a shower, trying to wash away the worry and stress of the past couple days when I heard a familiar, rough voice coming from _somewhere in this room._

“Dean, you have a wonderful voice.”

_Shit._

I dropped the bar of soap I had just been holding. It landed with a surprisingly loud thud. I sighed, and pulled the curtain to the side, leaning around it.

“Dammit, Cas, what do you want?” I said, angrier than I intended. But the dude had just walked in on me naked in the shower.

“I - I was just trying to.. to uh…” His face flushed red, his eyes trailing over my chest, making me feel even more naked and exposed than I was. He looked down, obviously embarrassed about what he did and was doing. I decided to take it easy on him.

“Cas, it’s okay. Just go lay down,” I told him.

“But I feel better.”

“What? How?” The guy did look better though. And he was still shirtless. Why did it take me this long to notice?  I resisted the urge to glance down at his tanned, athletic chest and abs.

“I think that as the Elixir goes away, it eliminates the other illnesses of the body. That is my guess.” He gave me a curious look for a moment, before taking a step forward. I felt nerves shoot through me. _Shit what is he doing._ He brought a hand up to my hair. _What **is** he doing?_ He ran his fingers through it, getting caught on something. He tugged. Hard. Chills traveled from my scalp down my back. I forced myself to keep my eyes open. _Shit_. He moved his hand away, looking confused.

“What was that face for?” He asked curiously. I felt my face get hot. _Shit. I can’t just tell him that hair-pulling turns me on._

“Uh… nothing,” I finally managed to say. He squinted at me.

“You’re lying.” He said matter-of-factly. I sighed and looked down.

“I just… Kinda… Like it.” I held back a cringe. Not something I wanted to admit.

“Like what? That I pulled your hair?”

_God Dammit he always needs me to state the obvious._ My voice got caught in my throat, so I just nodded and looked at my bare feet, a reminder of how naked I was.

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

“Uh…” I really didn’t want to admit that. “...Well a little… But it’s uh…” I gave him a smile. At least, I hope it was a smile. “nice.” He frowned.

“Dean, are you a masochist?” the flat-out curiosity in his tone made my cheeks burn.

“Uhh…” _What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!_ “Uh… I don’t know. I mean, I guess.” I shrugged in an attempt at nonchalance.

He brought his hand back up to hair, to test what I just said. His fingers massaged my head, before coming to the back of my head and tugged at the short hairs there. I felt the familiar chills, and I could feel my lips part and my eyelids droop. Blood rushed to my dick. Cas noticed.

“Cas…” I groaned, unable to say anything else. I felt my body lean forward instinctively.

He leaned back, and his lips crashed onto mine. It was a little clumsy, but still managed to be one of the best kisses of my life. His fingertips played with my hair, massaging and pulling and sending wave after wave of chills down my back. He moved his lips from mine and kissed down my jawline, to my neck, and down again. The shower curtain slipped from my fingers, and I grabbed his arms and yanked him in the shower with me. _Holy shit. This is happening._

And holy _shit_ , did I need it.

He moved my grip from his arms and shoved me against the wall. I let out a ragged breath, leaning my head back and stared at him and saw the jeans that he was still wearing. _Off. Those need to come off._ I hooked my fingers in the loops on his jeans and tugged at them lazily.

“Off,” was all I managed to say.

He took a step back, staring me straight in the eye as he tore of his jeans _and_ boxers together and _holy hell_ if that wasn’t really hot. My dick got harder at the sight of it. Chills ran through my whole body when our skin touched. I groaned, and more blood rushed to my dick every time he pressed against me. He leaned in to kiss me. Passionate and forceful, his tongue licking its way into my mouth. I groaned again, and he tore his lips away and started going down my neck again. I leaned my head to the side, exposing more skin for him to kiss. He pulled away just enough for his breath to brush over my neck and slid his hand around, tracing patterns into the small of my back. I shuddered. _Holy hell I can’t believe this is-_

His teeth sank into my neck, and my knees gave out from the sensation. He slid his hands to my sides, lowering me gently to the bottom of the tub. He brought his legs to either side of me, and lowered his hips onto mine. I let out an embarrassingly low groan when his dick brushed up against mine. He brought his hands to my arms, pinning me down. My hips bucked up automatically. He pushed hips down, his dick grinding against mine. I pulled my arm out of his grip and took his dick in my hand. For a second I panicked. I had no idea how to do this. _Well, you do this to yourself, and you know what girls have done… just do what you’d want._ I started moving my hand up and down slowly. _Fuck_. He let out a shocked noise ( _Holyshit)_ and he slumped forward slightly over me _(holyshit)_  as I pressed my thumb down as my hand came to the tip and picked up my pace slightly. His moaning turned into panting and _holyshitifthatwasn’thot._ By then my dick was so hard it ached for attention, but I wanted Cas to feel good. This was Cas’s first time. I had a brief moment of _oh yeah Cas is a fucking virgin,_ but the noises he was making quickly snapped me out of it. A drop of precome began to leak out of the tip, and Cas’s eyes widened when he saw it. _Oh yeah, I never really explained that._ I gave him my best comforting smile and rolled him over so I was on top. What I had just decided to do was reeling through my head. _I have no idea what I’m doing. Oh god. Please let me be good at this._

“it’s okay, Cas,” I told him. “I got you.”

I slid down to his hard cock, my nose brushed against it slightly, and he shuddered. I brought my hands to his hips and pressed them down, swallowing nervously before taking the tip in my mouth.

It tasted like skin.

I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest, but for some reason the thought of it tasting like _skin_ surprised me. Well, skin and sweat and a salty, bitter taste that I assumed was precome. His hands grabbed at my shoulders, the nails digging into my skin deep enough to leave marks for days. I sunk down as far as I could go and started sucking lightly, bobbing my head as I did. Cas gasped and his panting grew more frantic.

“Dean…” he groaned. “I’m about to…”

I pulled off his wet cock and looked up. Up his length to his hipbones, to his bellybutton, to his slightly toned abs, firm pecs, curved neck, strong jaw, plush pink lips and dark, hungry eyes. It was so hot I barely thought before saying, “It’s okay. I can swallow.” I began to lower my head back down

I heard the familiar rock song that was my ringtone. I stopped, my muscles tensing. _I am going to strangle whoever is calling me._

“This better be a fucking emergency.” I grumble, pushing myself off of Cas, who mewls in disagreement at the distance between us. Completely naked, I grab the phone. _Sam. Well, it could be an emergency._ I take a deep breath, and try not to sound irritated as I answer.

“Sammy? What is it?” I ask. Cas groans a little too loud for comfort. I turn around, pressing a finger to my lips.

“Where are you?” He asked.

“In a hotel. Cas is recovering really quickly. We should be on our way soon.”

“Dean… come back…” Cas called. I squeezed my eyes shut. _Shit I hope Sammy didn’t hear that._

“What was that?” Sam asked. _Of course_. I freeze.

“Just Cas, he needs me to get him something I guess. He’s still pretty hurt.”

“Oh. What happened?”

“He got jumped… kind of. It was demons. They kind of used him as a hostage. They wanted me for something. He was -unnng” My sentence broke into a moan as I felt Cas wrap his arms around me and kiss at the back of my neck. I tried to cover up the noise I just made with a cough, but I wasn’t too convincing.

“Uh… Dean? You ok?” He asked, worried. I bit back a moan as Cas’s tongue flicked out. He could tell that I like it, because it flicked out again. And again, until he was sucking and licking at the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

“Uh… Gotta go, Sam.”

“De-” I hung up the phone and drop it on the floor. Cas’s kissed trail down to my shoulder. I shudder one more time before turning around and pushing him back to the shower. He leans against the wall and I drop to my knees, wrapping my tongue and mouth around him again without another word.

“Don’t you think we should turn off the water in the shower?” Cas asked as he pulled away suddenly. I blinked deliberately at the random comment that he made.

“Oh. Yeah.” I walked to the bathroom and turned it off. I had barely turned around for a second before he was attacking me with another aggressive kiss.

I heard a knock at the door.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I mumbled to myself. I angrily grabbed the towel and the demon knife again, and swung the door open. A woman maybe in her forties was standing there, looking a little nervous.

“Um...hi. I lost my phone, so I decided to use the GPS on it, and this is where it showed up. Do you have a phone with you?”


	13. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG

I heard someone talking to Dean at the front door, so I went over without hesitation. The woman standing there immediately recognized me.

“You’re the man from the forest!” She said. “And...you’re...naked.”

“So is Dean,” I replied, grabbing a towel. Dean sighed and turned back to the woman.

“I’m sorry.” he told her. “We can get your phone,”

I went over to my pants, where I had left the phone and picked it up. It was soaking wet. I must have forgotten to take the phone out when I went into the shower with Dean. I walked out back to the lady, holding the phone, and put it in her hands.

“Why is it wet?” She asked, dead serious.

“I went into the shower with my pants on.” I saw Dean’s jaw clench in the corner of my eye.

“Why would you do that?”

“So that I could have sex with him.” The woman gave me a blank stare in the silence. Dean made an odd, coughing noise and walked away. The woman nodded, confused. She looked down at her phone and then back up at me.

“Well, you better hope this thing works still,” she said. “Can I have his number? In case it doesn’t?” She asked, nodding her head in Dean’s direction.

Dean gave me a panicked look. There was a moment of hesitation before he quickly shook his head and looked down, distracting himself with something on the bed.

“No,” I told her, before shutting the door in her face. She knocked again, but we ignored her, knowing she would leave eventually. Once the knocking stopped, I threw Dean down onto the bed. He was just as ready to go as he was when we were in the shower. I was excited to get back to what we were doing before.  

Dean wanted to finish me off first. He hooked his arm around me and rolled us over so that he was on top. At first I wondered why, since I had always assumed Dean wasn’t the one to be on top, but then I began to succumb to him. He tore the towels away from us and lowered his hips onto mine. My hips jerked up the second his skin touched mine, as if it was a reflex, and his hips pushed down onto mine with greater force. He lowered his chest down and kissed me fiercely, his tongue pushing its way into my mouth. He pushed his hips down again, and I pushed mine up. I was surprised at how natural everything felt.

Being a virgin, everything was new to me. But somehow, I knew exactly how to respond to Dean’s movements. He slid down to my hips, kissing every inch of me along the way. He reached my hips and hovered over my penis, his lips a fraction of an inch away. I waited for the hot, moist feeling of his lips around me, but it never came. Only the feeling of his hot breath brushing against me, making me twitch and fidget. It was agonizing

“Dean,” I said. I don’t know why, it just came out. He chuckled at the sound of my strained, gruff voice and placed his strong hands on my hip bones before wrapping his lips around me.He started sucking and I fell apart. I let out a moan that surprised even me. My hands clenched into tight fists and my eyes rolled to the back of my head.

“Dean…” I tried to say. In all honesty, it probably came out as more of a “mmmm…”

Dean moaned around my penis in response, and I could feel the vibration of his moan around me. My hands flew to his hair, my fingers clenching and pulling at the short locks. He sucked harder and started moving his head up and down. I let out a choked moan and tugged at his hair again. his fingernails dug into my hips. His other hand went to the base of my penis, and moved it up and down with his mouth. My whole body started to tense up and my legs started to shake. I gripped at the sheets of the bed, preparing for what was next. Dean told me he could swallow, so I didn’t bother telling him I was close again, but the unholy sounds I was making probably indicated that I was. He picked up his pace and his movements became almost aggressive. I felt him growl from the back of his throat and I came. It was nothing like before, when I had masturbated. I let out a loud, low groan as my body shook from effort. Dean pulled back after a few moments and I opened my eyes to look at him. He sat on his heels, wiping the mess from his lips and chin and looking at me with an odd mix of pride and expectancy. And maybe a hint of apprehension.

“Dean…” I mumbled. The words were heavy around my lips, “kiss me again, please…”

Dean shot up quick and wrapped his warm lips around my mouth. HIs mouth tasted slightly bitter and tangy. I liked it though. I gripped his back and rolled us over. It was Dean’s turn. Although I wasn’t exactly sure what to do, I thought it might be possible to mimic Dean’s movements. To do what I liked to him. I looked at his erect penis, and my nerves got the better of me. I stared.

“Dean,” I confessed, “I don’t…” My voice trailed off. I didn’t know what to say.

“It’s okay, Cas.” He reassured. He took my hand and wrapped it around his penis, guiding it up and down. I caught on pretty quickly, and soon he was letting out a contented sigh and loosening his grip. “Cas. Just like that.” His gruff voice made my heart beat faster. I tightened my grip on him and picked up my pace. I pressed my thumb on the tip of his penis and his body jerked in response and he groaned again, louder this time. I felt proud and I gave a small smirk. He brought his hand up to the back of my neck, pulling me suddenly into a kiss. The rhythm of my hand stuttered, but I caught it again and kissed him back. His tongue licked its way into my mouth, under my tongue and teeth. He then moved to my lower lip, biting and sucking on it, pulling a moan from it. I picked up the pace of my hand until it was flying up and down. He moaned again and broke the kiss, pushing his head back into the pillow and letting out a strained, high-pitched noise and I watched as the liquid came out of him. It rushed out of him and Dean’s expression changed to a sigh of relief. I felt proud of myself and I turned to lay next to him. We were both breathing heavy.

“We should head out tomorrow,” he told me. In all honesty, I wanted to stay there forever. I turned to look at him. I looked at the way his lips parted to catch his breath, the way his green eyes flicked back and forth, not really looking at anything in particular. I looked at the freckles, counting each one but quickly losing track and starting over again. Eventually he noticed me looking at him and turned his head to look back, his eyes boring into mine. He gave me a smile, strangely shy considering what we had just done. Or maybe that’s why he was smiling so shyly. Suddenly he looked down at something. I followed his glance.

I don’t know who had started it, but I found myself holding his hand, our fingers entwined, my thumb caressing his hand gently. He looked back up at the same time I did, and he smiled at me. I smiled back. Dean sat up, still naked.

“Dean, I lo--” I began to tell him I loved him again, but I was quickly interrupted by him.

“I’m gonna go get some pie,” he told me. “It’s noon and I want to celebrate life. You stay here. Don’t open the door for anyone but me, alright?”

I nodded and watched him get dressed. I got a little more sad at every layer he put on. and he left the hotel room in a hurry. He was obviously hungry. I smiled to myself and curled up on my side to take a nap.

He walked in, holding pie. I sat up, already awake. He set the box of pie on the bed and handed me a plastic fork. He opened the box and sat down on the bed.

“I get the first bite,” he told me. “I always do.”

I watched him take the first bite, he looked relieved, but he still looked stressed. I saw a worried look on his face, and shot back a confused expression.

“What’s wrong, Dean?” I asked him, hoping he would respond quickly instead of hide it.

“I… I don’t really… want you to tell me you love me anymore…” He said, shyly. The look that had been on my face was wiped as I blanked out. My mind emptied, and all I saw was white. I felt my head hit my pillow as I fell back, no longer able to support myself. When the initial confusion wore off, I noticed Dean was eating pie like nothing had happened.

“Why?” I managed to spit out.

“Because it makes me uncomfortable,” he said, shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing. “And I don’t really feel the same way…” he trailed off again. This time, I wasn’t shocked, I was beginning to get angry.

“You said you did,” I said, my tone growing stronger and sharper.

“Well, I lied,” he fired back, also getting angry.

My heart broke a little as he said that. I couldn’t believe it. I just wanted to go back to sleep and re-wake up. I knew, though, that I couldn’t.

“In fact… Cas, I think you should leave.”

“You drove all this way to get me, now you just want me to--”

“Leave? Yeah,” he interrupted. “It seemed like you were doing fine on your own.”

I was growing angrier with every word he said. I felt my face grow hot with anger and embarrassment. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to strangle him and shout that I loved him until his face turned blue. I wanted… I wanted to send him straight back to Hell (even though I knew it was no longer physically possible).

“You found me chained at a ballet studio, bleeding and in pain. I wouldn’t say I was doing fine,” I snapped at him, putting air quotes around the word “fine.” He looked surprised at my response and stood up.

“Go,” he said bitterly, pointing towards the door.

That was when I snapped. I didn’t shout, all I did was mutter. I muttered in Enochian, though, for the specific purpose of that he would no longer understand me. I slammed out all the swear words I could think of and watched as his face turned to a mixture of shock and confusion.

“What the hell are you saying.” He demanded my response, but I refused to give him one.

“What the HELL ARE YOU SAYING?!” He repeated, louder.

It got physical. HE grabbed my wrists, (like the demons had) and dragged me toward the door, despite my protests. He shoved me out the door and slammed it in my face. Like that, I knew it was over. I began to walk away, trying to navigate my way to the lobby. I pressed the button on the elevator. Once I was in it, I leaned against the back wall and cried, once again.

That’s when I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked around the hotel room, thankful that it was just a dream.

 


	14. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT THIS IT'S EARLY  
> sorry it's kinda short, but chapter 15 is basically done as well, so you won't be waiting too long for that either ^.^

Pie.

How long had it been since I’d had pie? I had no idea. But that didn’t matter anymore, _‘cause dude. Pie_.

Bag in hand, I open the door to the room me and Cas had been staying at. He was sitting up, like he had just woken up, looking kinda bewildered. I was too excited about the pie to notice, though. I gave him a smile, handed him one of the plastic forks, and opened the box, sitting down.

“I get the first bite,” I told him. _‘Cause pie._ “I always do” I dug my fork straight into the center (ok, so I bought a whole pie, shoot me) and took a bite of delicious apple pie. I let out a small groan at the sweet, tart taste mixed with the flaky crust. _Delicious_. I swallowed, and looked back at Cas. He looked… kind of freaked out. And angry. “What? Just because I got the first bite doesn’t mean you get any.” I said innocently. I held the pie out to him, offering him to take a bite. For a while he just stared, the familiar crease forming between his eyebrows.

“You’re not going to leave me, are you, Dean?” He asked suddenly. I lowered the pie.

_What the hell?_

“What? What do you mean?” I mumbled around another bite of the pie. He shook his head, still not looking at me. “Cas, what the hell are you talking about?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“Do you love me, Dean?” his eyes flickered up to mine, and _damn_ if anyone had better puppy-dog eyes it was Sammy.

“Dammit not this again,” I scrubbed my hand over my face. _I already fucking told him how I felt and he still doesn’t believe me?_

“Dean.” The way he said it told me he was serious. I placed the pie and the fork down. I sighed.

“Cas, I already told you, didn’t I? I told you over the phone, and then again a few hours ago because you thought I was lying, or someone stole my phone or-” I stopped myself and took a breath. I was getting off track. “And now you need me to remind you again? Why?”

“I had a nightmare,” he admitted after a pause. “I dreamt that you had lied about loving me, and that you didn’t want me.” He paused again. “And it wasn’t just that… but in the dream you said the exact thing that you said when you came in: “I get the first bite. I always do.””

“And because of some _dream_ , you think I’m going to…” break up with you “...kick you out and tell you everything was a lie?”

I’ll admit, I was a little pissed. Once again, after everything, he still doubted me. The thought fueled my anger.

“How can you even think that, Cas? I’ve risked my life to save you - more than once - and you have for me. And still after all that, you still never seem to trust me?” my voice started to rise. I stood up from the bed. “First working with Crowley, then the angel tablet, now this? And then I even come here to take you home even after you betrayed me and Sammy like that, and - fuck, Cas, if that’s not love then what the hell is?!” I finished, letting out an angry breath. I stared at him. He stared back. I waited for him to reply, but he just stared at me, wide-eyed and looking completely lost.

_Shit, I broke him._

I sighed and sat down on the bed. His eyes were locked on me. I brought my hands up to his shoulders, barely aware of how my thumbs brushed against the base of his neck.

“Cas, I’m not going to kick you out, or leave you behind. I never wanted you to leave.” I didn’t realize how true it was until I had said it out loud. I always asked him to stay, and when he left, I felt empty. “I need you, Cas. I always have.” The wideness of his eyes relaxed slightly, but that was all that happened. He kept quiet and staring, that lost look in his eyes hadn’t left. _Say something that works, Dammit._ I kicked myself internally at how much I was “helping”. My mind raced for something that I could say. Something that wasn’t the one thing that I knew would work without a doubt. Those words were too vulnerable. Too raw. And I had already said it. _But you barely looked at him when you did. He probably still thinks you said it to make him feel better._ Dammit. There was nothing else that would work.

I moved closer to him so that our bodies were inches away from each other. My hands slid up and back to the nape of his neck and leaned my forehead on his. I closed my eyes, drew a deep, _not-shaky-at-all_ breath, and said,

“I love you.”

Something about the way I said it that time was different than the first. Before I had just spit the words out, let them roll off my tongue without letting myself thinking about the weight behind those words. That time I didn’t just say it to him, I told him. And now I could really feel the weight. It hung thickly in the air around us. It pulled at my chest.

I told him I loved him. That I’m in love with him.

I opened my eyes. The first thing that came into focus was his eyes, shimmering and wide. They were still staring, but it was different. He didn’t look scared anymore. He looked shocked.

“Cas?” I said tentatively. My thumb caressed the back of his neck again. “You alri-”

His lips crashed onto mine as he tackled me, pressing me on the bed underneath him. I grabbed at the sheets to prevent myself from falling off the bed completely. He brought his hands up to the sides of my face and kissed me hungrily and desperately, like he thought he’d never get to do it again. _Which he might have._ I kissed him back, tightening my fingers around the hair my fingertips had been brushing against when I told him. After a few minutes of the most passionate kiss I had ever gotten he pulled away to catch his breathe.

“I love you too, Dean” He finally replied.

_Holy shit, really? I never would have guessed by the way you attacked my mouth like that. I smirked at him and nodded slightly._

“And thank you.” He kissed me again, lightly. “I… Really needed to hear that.”

I gave another nod, “Yeah, uh… you’re… welcome…?” I blinked at him, not really sure if that was the right thing to say. He laughed slightly. His smile reminded me of when he told me and Sammy that he wanted to become a hunter. It was adorable. I soaked up the contented expression on his face, saving it to remember later. He didn’t smile a lot, so I savored the moment. A hint of confusion crossed his face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked, his eyebrows furrowing together.

“You’re adorable.” The words came out before I thought about them, and my face grew hot as I kicked myself for saying that. He squinted his trademark squint at me.

“Is that good?” He asked.

_Yes it’s good and you just got ten times more adorable you complete asshole._

“Uh…” I laughed nervously. “Yeah. That’s a good thing,”

“Good,” Castiel said. He kissed me again, more tenderly this time. It was the kind of kiss that makes your head spin. I brought my hands up to the back of his hair and pulled him in closer, deepening the kiss. His tongue flicked out and I opened my mouth up to him. His tongue felt its way around my mouth, against teeth and tongue. I moaned into it. I brought my hand to my waist. It brushed up against against something on its way, and I remember.

I broke the kiss between us and paused to catch my breath. I could tell he was just about to ask me what happened when I said, “Pie.”

He squinted at me. I nudged (more like pushed) him off. I grabbed the pie and the fork I had dropped on it and started eating. ( _cause dude pie_ )

As I took a bite I felt warm arms wrap around me and still moist lips on my neck. I closed my eyes for a second at the feeling of his lips on my neck mixed with the sweet taste of apple pie. He brought himself around, kissing his way from the back of my neck, behind my ear, down my jawline, until he was inches away from my lips. He stared my lips, his parted.

He was just about to kiss me when I shoved a piece of pie in his face.

He grunted in surprise as he tried not to choke on the food. The complete bewilderment on his face mixed with the flakes of crust and syrup on his lips was probably one of the funniest things I’d seen in a long time. I cracked up, looking away for a second as my arm supported my stomach. When I managed to look at him again, the utter confusion at my reaction made me laugh until my stomach hurt

“Dean, what is so funny?” He said as I finally started to calm down. I wiped tears from my eyes.

“You should see your face, man,” I said, barely holding back another fit of laughter. He licked the food from his lips and gave me a somewhat grumpy expression. I gave a small laugh and kissed him, enjoying the leftover taste on his lips. I pulled away to finish the pie, giving him a few bites. Once it was done, I stood up and yawned.

“We should get going,” I told him. He nodded in agreement and stood up to check out at the lobby.

We left the hotel, and I saw Cas take one last look back as we stepped into the car.


	15. Castiel

Chapter 15 - Castiel

 

There’s always a moment of silence when everything is finally okay again. A moment where you just feel safe and secure. In this moment,  you’re not worried about what is going to happen, or if anything is going wrong.  Dean and I had this moment when we were both in the Impala. He put the keys in the ignition, but didn’t turn the car on. He just put them in, put his arm down, and smiled to himself. I looked out the window. Neither of us were looking at eachother, but we both knew what we were thinking. In that moment, I was safe with Dean. He was safe with me. We had both realized that… That now we could look after each other. No more texting, no more worrying, and no more ignoring. For the first time in a long time, we were happy. Relieved. Free.

This moment was broken by Sam. He called Dean right as Dean was about to turn the car on. This time, Dean didn’t put sam on speaker phone.

“Yes, we’re on our way,” said Dean to the phone.

“We’ll be there in a couple days probably, if there are no problems…” he said, glancing at me.  I looked down, feeling guilty for a second. Dean shook his head quickly, reassuring me not to worry.

“Uh huh. Okay. Bye.”

Dean hung up the phone and put the car in drive. He put on the radio, but I turned it off. I needed to talk to him. Or maybe I just wanted to, but what was the difference?

“Hey, why’d you do that?” Dean asked me, immediately after I turned it off. I shrugged and told him I wanted to talk to him.

“About?” He asked innocently.

“What is it like to be a human?”

Dean sighed as though he had been waiting for me to ask this question for a while. For a long time, we sat there in silence. But this time, it wasn’t the comforting silence. I could tell Dean was thinking about how to answer my question. I just needed something simple. I felt as though I had gotten gist of it, but I wasn’t exactly sure what it all included.

“It’s kinda hard to describe when you’ve only ever been human. It’s... about risk. And pain. Hunger... thirst... All of it. It’s about needing things, and not always getting what you need. It’s about lying to get what you want. It’s like… It’s like you constantly have to worry that one day, you’re going to close your eyes, and you won’t open them again. It’s about always making sure you’re doing the right thing. It’s about love, too. It’s about taking care and looking after the ones you love and making sure their hearts keep beating, too. You gotta keep their hearts beating because if their hearts aren’t beating, then yours shouldn’t be, either. It’s emotional. Like, one minute you’re happy and the next, someone has said something that makes you want to cry. It’s about saving people, I guess. But Sam, Kevin and I don’t exactly live like normal humans.”

I looked out the window, thinking about everything Dean said. It was so much more powerful than I thought it was going to be. The whole time he was saying it, he wouldn’t look at me. He kept his eyes glued to the road as I stared at his profile. I didn’t know how to respond. I was human now, yes, but I analyzed everything he said with great care. It seemed as though being human was everything that being an angel wasn’t. I sighed before responding.

“Your heart wasn’t beating for months… But I kept it going…” I told him. _Is that why I loved him? Because I saved him? Or maybe because he saved me…?_ Dean ignored my response. I figured that he was done discussing it. Every silent breath in the Impala was awkward for a while. After’ about twenty silent minutes, it wore off. Dean turned on the radio and nodded his head to the beat of whatever song was on.

The rest of the ride was uneventful. When we were hungry, we ate. When we were tired, we pulled over and slept.  Small talk would happen here and there, but there wasn’t much to talk about. We just wanted to be home.

It was about 8 p.m. on the day after we had left when we arrived at the bunker. We had arrived much earlier than we thought we would have, by a day or so. I was happy to see the bunker again. I just wanted to see Sam and Kevin. And check on Crowley. We stepped out of the Impala for the first time in hours. I stretched out my muscles,  enjoying the feel of it. I could hear the faint sound of loud music blasting throughout the bunker, but I didn’t recognize it. Neither did Dean. He looked over at me very confused. I shrugged, as if sending him a signal that I wasn’t sure what was going on. We walked in, expecting some sort of rock music, but it was a pop song I wasn’t exactly sure of the name. Sam and Kevin were both singing it loudly as they danced in the kitchen.

_We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time…_

Sam and Kevin were not good singers. But they danced in the kitchen, oblivious to me and Dean. I looked over at Dean, whose face was growing increasingly disappointed in his brother. Dean couldn’t tear his eyes away.

_I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two…_

That is when Sam and Kevin noticed us. Sam quickly turned off the music. But it was too late. Dean looked at Sam with a mixture of disappointment, confusion, and as though he was about to laugh.

“Dude…” Dean started. He was going to continue, but Sam cut him off quickly, trying to change the subject.

“Glad to have you back, Cas…” he said, looking at me. I nodded, confused as to what just happened. Whatever it was, Sam felt bad about it.  I walked over to Sam to get a good luck at his face. I was really confused at how well he looked.

“Sam, how did you heal so quickly?” I asked him. He looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t know, I just did.” Dean squinted his eyes, knowing Sam was lying. I ignored it, figuring they would talk later.

“Where’s Crowley?” I asked him as I looked around the room.

“He’s, uh, sleeping in the spare room,” Sam told me.

“I will go check on him,” I told them, leaving them to work out their problems.  I walked in the room. Crowley was sleeping on the bed. My first thought was: _Why is he sleeping? Since when does he sleep?_ As soon as that thought finished, Crowley woke up. He smiled when he saw me. Not necessarily an evil smile, but definitely not happy, either. I sat down next to him and started asking him questions.

“Why do you sleep?” I asked him first.

“You don’t understand. I’m half-human. I need sleep, but at the same time, I don’t. I’m like an Insomniac,” he responded confidently. He seemed nice. But also like there was something inside him that still wanted us to burn. It looked as though he was really conflicted.

“Do you know why Sam is healthy so quickly?” I asked, desperate for answers. I was worried about Sam. He was my friend, and I wanted to know if it was dangerous. Honestly, I half-expected Sam to be drinking Demon blood again.

“Of course I do,” he responded. “I’m the one that gave it to him.”

Panic struck through me as I thought that Sam had been drinking half-human. half-demon blood. _Don’t jump to conclusions, Castiel. Do not jump to conclusions._

“What did you give him?” I asked seriously, looking Crowley in the eye.

“The same stuff you got. Demon Elixir.”

I froze. The thought of Sam having those horrific hallucinations worried me. I didn’t want to ditch Crowley, but I needed to tell Dean.

“Get some sleep,” I told him as I left the room. There was no way I was going to treat him as though he was a good person. Because he wasn’t.

“Dean,” I said as I rounded the corner to the kitchen. Dean was eating pie and Sam wasn’t in the room. Dean was sitting alone, eating. He looked up at me, curious.

“Yeah?” he said, knowing where this was going.

“Sam took Demon Elixir,”  I told him. I watched his face turn from confusion to a blank expression. He looked as though he went numb, and I went over to sit next to him.


	16. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMIGOD IM SO FUCKING SORRY FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE WAIT PLEASE FORGIVE ME CHAPTER 17 WILL BE UP IN ABOUT A WEEK  
> ALSO I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY MISTAKES WE WERE SO RUSHED MY CO-WRITER WAS JUST LIKE "POST IT GOD DAMMIT" AND I WAS ALL "OK"  
> ALSO I SHOULD WARN YOU THERE IS BUTT SEX.

After I heard Cas say the words “Demon Elixir” the next thing I remembered was me grabbing a handful of Crowley’s shirt and shouting “Demon Elixir?! You gave Sam _Demon Elixir?_!” He looked at me in a stunned silence, which someone convinced me to punch him in the face as hard as I could. Even after that he didn’t say anything, he just looked up at me with this scared look on his face. It only pissed me off more.

“I… was trying to help,” he finally stuttered. I rolled my eyes and threw another punch.

“Like hell you were! Why’d you really do it? Trying to take advantage of some sort of demon-y side effect? Trying to kill him?!” I shook him with every other word. He was fumbling for a word to say when I heard, “Dean!” Coming from behind me. I barely paid any attention to it, though. I just kept shaking him.

A pair of strong hands grabbed my shoulders and ripped me away from him. I shook them off as quickly as I could and turned to look at who had pulled me away.

“What the hell, man?!” Sammy asks, gesturing to a now bloody Crowley. I huffed.

“Demon Elixir, Sammy?” was all I managed.

HIs jaw clenched and his eyebrows knit together, his lips were pressed into a thin line.

“Dean…” He started.

“Don’t… Just don’t Sammy. I saw what it did to Cas! It came damn close to killing him-”

“So did the trials, Dean!” He interrupted. “If it wasn’t for the demon elixir, I’d be dead by now. And I knew what I was doing.”

“You had no idea what you were doing! You’d never seen it or heard from it before. Never tried it!”

“Apparently I did, Dean, because in case you haven’t noticed, I’m alive!”

I hated to admit that he had a point, but there wasn’t really an argument to make. He was alive. He was fine. All the effects had worn off. But i was still pissed.

“Then why’d you keep it from me? If it was so miraculous, why didn’t you just tell me?!”

“Because of this, Dean! Because I knew you’d flip your shit and go all protective-older-brother on me!”

My jaw clenched. “That’s my job, Sammy!”

He huffed, turning away in annoyance. He turned back with defiance flaring in his eyes.

“No. It’s not.” He paused. “Look, I was going to tell you, I _promise_. I was just waited until things … calmed down a little.”

I sighed, bringing my fingertips to the bridge of my nose as I realised there was nothing left to argue about. Sammy was fine and I knew why now. I was just pissed at how I found out.

“Okay… you know what? Fine. Whatever. What’s done is done and we can’t change it. Just promise me that you won’t hide anything. No more secrets, no more “protecting my older brother” no more “I’ll tell him when I think he’s ready” bullshit. Just the honest-to-god truth. How about that?”

He turned away slightly again, mulling over what I asked. After a long pause he said, “only if you promise to do the same.”

The second he said that I remembered something

Cas.

Would not telling him about us count? We both knew we were talking about  “Dad said I might have to kill you” and “addicted to demon blood” kind of secrets. Would he even care? _It’s not like he wants to know about my sex life._ I knew Sam wasn’t homophobic. _And it’s not really telling him about my sex life, is it? It’s just telling him that I’m in love with a dude…_

Oh god. Do I have to come out to my brother?  The thought was terrifying. How the hell does someone do that? Am I gay? Bi?Jesus Christ if I don’t even know what to tell myself what am I supposed to tell him? I felt my mouth turn dry.

_Nut up, Winchester. You faced the fucking apocalypse._

I needed to tell him. I knew it that. And I needed to tell him soon. Today would be a good idea. I glanced slightly at Crowley. _Not telling him in front of **him**. No way in Hell._ My mind raced for an idea of how and when and where and how _fucking how am I supposed to do this?! How am I supposed to tell my brother that I’m having sex with not only an (ex) supernatural being, not only someone we’ve known for years, but a fucking **dude**?!_

“Deal,” I finally said, nodding to myself more than him.

“Good.”

“Excuse me.” Crowley said after a short pause. “But I _was_ the one to give Sammy here the recipe for the demon elixir that saved his life. I think I deserve some sort of treat for my good behavior.” He turned from me to look at Sam. “Maybe let me out of these chains to stretch my legs, eh, pretty moose?”

There’s a new one. I turned to Sam, who shifted awkwardly at his nickname. He noticed me watching him, and gave me a nervous, sideways glance and an (almost apologetic) shrug of his shoulders.

“Sorry Crowley.” I turned back to him. “You’re staying here. I’d say I’m sorry but… I’m really not.” I smirked at him and turned to leave, locking the door behind me and then turning to face Sam. “Pretty Moose?” I finally asked. He huffed out a short laugh and cleared his throat, not quite meeting my glance.

“Yeah, he’s come up with a lot of…” he cringed slightly, “nicknames for me.” His cringe deepened, as if remembering those “nicknames” Crowley had given him.

“Nicknames?” he nodded curtly. “Like what?” His eyes widened ever-so-slightly at the question.

“Trust me… you don’t want to know.”

_Is he… **blushing**?!_

“I’ll be in the library if you need me.” he said after snapping himself out of his train of thought and quickly walked away.

_That was weird…_

“Whatever.” I mumbled to myself under my breath. I turned and wandered over to the kitchen, where I found Cas staring intently at the laptop screen, headphones plugged in. “Hey, Cas” I said. He jumped, tugging the headphones away from his ears and slamming the laptop shut.

“Hello, Dean,” he said, trying to make his voice sound normal. He coughed. “So did-did you-what happened? With you and Sam, I mean,” He stammered. For a moment I wondered what the hell he could have been looking at that made him freak out like that, but I brushed off the thought quickly.

“Uh...yeah. It’s fine. We’re fine.” I assured him.

There was a long, extremely awkward pause as both of us stared at each other waiting for the other to say something.

“Okayyy,” I said, finally breaking the painful silence, “I’ve had enough awkwardness in those few seconds to last a lifetime. I’m gonna unpack my stuff.” I grabbed the duffel bag that had been sitting on the table and walked over to my room. I placed it on my drawer and started unzipping and taking clothes out.

I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around. Cas was walking in my room with that look that meant he was about to say something important.

“Dean, I have a request.” Cas said as he sat down on the bed.

“Uh….ok. Shoot,” I told him as I took the rest of my clothes out

“I have done some… research, and I think we should try another form of intimacy.” I glanced at him, giving him a slightly freaked out look. I was fairly sure where this was going. “I saw a video…” _oh god he looked up gay porn. Wait…_ “I saw a man put his-” _Oh god no don’t describe it._

“Woah, Cas. I think I know where this is headed.” I put down the shirt I was holding and turned around, rubbing the back of my neck. _Jesus what the hell do I say? Where do I go from here?_ To be honest, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about the whole thing. I’d never even considered doing it. Hell, I’d thought I was straight up until a few days before. But, thinking about it, actually picturing fucking him, or _being fucked (oh god)_ , It was maybe, possibly, not the worst idea in the world. And that freaked me out more than the thought of actually doing it did.

“Dean?” Cas said, breaking me from my train of thought. I snapped my head back up and let my hand fall to my side.

“Uh… I uh… um…I...” _stop stuttering like a moron and say something._

“Dean, are you ok?” He looked genuinely concerned. What the fuck do you think why would you even ask that?!

“Um yeah,  just… I don’t…” I took a deep breath. _Just fucking spit it out already_ , I told myself. “I mean, I never really imagined myself doing that - not like I don’t want to. I don’t know. And which one of us would be the one…  you know…” I made a meaningless gesture with my hand. I could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t get what I was implying. “...on top?” He still seemed confused.

“Do you mean which one of us would be the one putting his penis in-”

_Oh my god, Cas._

“Yes! That’s what I mean.” I blurted out, my face was hotter than ever.

“Oh. Well, when I watched the video, the “top -” he put air quotation marks around “top” “- seemed most enjoyable to me.” I nodded sheepishly, turning my head away. What the hell was I supposed to do?! I’d never even come close to… anything like that. It never even crossed my mind. My pulse quickened.

_Dean fucking Winchester, is nervous about sex?_

_Well, this isn’t the normal kind, this is…_

“Dean.” Cas said, suddenly right behind me. I jumped and turned around. He was inches away from me. “There’s no need to be nervous or ashamed. There’s nothing shameful about this.”

“But… isn’t it a sin or something?” I flustered. I honestly didn’t know why I said that. _Why do I say these things_

“The Bible didn’t get everything right. I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation, and I’m sure God was too,” he explained. I nodded again, still not quite looking at him.

“Look… I just… I never even thought about _kissing_ a dude before a few days ago… well maybe a few times… but I never took it serio-” He cut me off with a kiss. I kissed him back, trying to ignore the tiny part of my brain screaming _holyshitisthishappeningnow_. He dug his fingertips into the back of my skull, pull me in to deepen the kiss. I opened up for him, letting his tongue wrap around mine. He licked the inside of my teeth, making me groan a little while my eyes rolled to the back of my head. he pulled back a little and smirked at me, seemingly proud of himself. _The little fucker. Literally._ He tore off his shirt and looked down at me. (which I don’t know how he did but the way looked he seemed to be towering over me and it was kinda hot). He grabbed at my shoulders and turned me so the back of my knees bumped into the foot of the bed. He pushed, and I fell back. He crawled on top of me, placing his face inches above mine. I hooked my hand around his neck and pulled him down to kiss him heavily. He kissed back, shamelessly sucking and biting at my lips. I held back a groan when his hips pressed down firmly on mine. The longer he kissed me, the more I felt my nerves begin to slip away and be replaced with want. I fisted his shirt in my hands and tugged at it. He got the message and sat up. I sat up with him to help him pull of his jacket and shirt. The second his was off his hands went straight to the hem of my T-shirt and pulled. The shirts were tossed aside and he pushed me back down again. His lips trailed down my jaw, to my neck, where he bit and sucked relentlessly before moving (painfully slowly) further down to my chest, my stomach. He looked up at me with dark eyes before dragging his tongue along the skin right above my jeans. I pushed my hips up slightly.

“Cas,” I groaned. I felt his lips smile against my skin. Suddenly I felt a hand pressed up against my already mostly hard dick. He palmed me through my jeans until the tightness was painful. “Cas,” I moaned out, “Just… get on with it,” He gave a low, husky chuckle and crawled his way back up to kiss me.

“Be patient,” he whispered against my lips, only making me want him more. I brought my hands up to the front of his pants and pressed my hands firmly in the hardness that was there. His eyelids fluttered shut and his hips leaned into my hand. I pulled my hand away to undo the button and zipper and push down at the waistband. He helped, shoving his jeans and boxers down and kicking them off the bed in one go. He kissed me again, forcefully and hungrily. I kissed him back, biting his lip as I felt his hands fumble with my zipper. I lifted my hips up for him so he could pull them off. He tossed those aside, too and pressed his body against mine. I sighed at the feeling of his skin against mine and kissed him full on the mouth, licking my way into his mouth. He parted his lips for me and wrapped his tongue around mine with a groan. He pushed his hips down on me. The sensation of his cock rubbing on mine was amazing, sending a wave of pleasure up my spine. I pushed up with him, and before I knew it we were both humping like animals, getting closer and closer to climax.

“Cas.” I mumbled between kisses. He grunted in response. “I think - unng - I think you’re forgetting something.”

“Hmm?” He asked, barely even recognizing what I was saying. He kissed around my jaw and down my neck, still pressing his hips down on mine, making it hard to concentrate.

“Cas,” I laughed out. I pushed him away gently, finally getting his attention. “Remember… our original plan?”

He stared blankly for a second before remembering.

“Oh.” He said quietly. He stared at me for another couple of seconds. “Dean.” He finally said.

“Yeah?”

“We need a lubricant of some kind.” He stated matter-of-factly. I felt my face get hot.

“Oh...um...right. Um….”  I looked away. I didn’t have lube. Crap. My mind searched for something we could use. Suddenly, I thought of something. I squirmed out from under him and grabbed my jeans. “I’ll be right back.” I grabbed my shirt and pulled it on in a hurry. I opened the door and glanced around, making sure no one was nearby, and headed for Sam’s room. Just like I expected, when I checked the drawer in his nightstand, and saw two bottles of lotion. Unscented and vanilla-scented (seriously, Sammy, grow a pair). I grabbed the unscented. I didn’t want my ass smelling like vanilla ( _how the fuck do these thoughts even end up in my head?_ ), and ran back to my room. When I got there, Cas had spread himself out on the bed and was palming himself almost absentmindedly. The sight sent more blood rushing down to my cock. I cleared my throat, and he opened his eyes to look at me, but didn’t stop touching himself.

“I uh...got...stuff,” I said, my nerves creeping back. I walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. I heard the rustling of fabric as Cas sat up. My mind started to race with what was probably going to end up happening. I’d never even considered doing anything like it, and yet there I was, bottle in hand, with a naked guy pressing a hand on my shoulder. A naked _virgin_. (kinda)

“Hey uh… Cas… do you know what you’re doing?” I asked quietly. I felt his lips press on the back of my neck.

“I did research, Dean. I’m fairly certain of what to do,” his tone wasn’t as blatant as I’d expected. He sounded...gentle.

“Yeah...um...okay…” I trailed off.

“Dean, what’s wrong?”

I sighed and rubbing my eyes, not knowing where to begin. “I don’t know… I guess… I’m nervous. I’ve never done this before. I never thought I would do this. This whole thing is just…” I couldn’t find the words. I felt a chin rest on my shoulder.

“Dean. I know you feel ashamed of all this., but you don’t need to. There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing, or might do. You think of sex as something inappropriate, something that should be hidden, but it’s not. Sex, no matter what form, is natural, and - as far as I’ve experienced - pleasant.” He paused, leaning in to kiss my neck again. I sighed. Just the sound of his voice and the feeling of his lips eased my nerves. “But, if you’re not ready, that’s fine. We can wait.” He kissed my neck again. “I can wait.” I felt his breath down my neck, the feelings of hips lips barely touching me, they way his hands felt as they caressed my body, and I nodded.

“I am.” I turned my head to kiss him. It was gentle. I could feel so much love in his chapped lips it was almost overwhelming. I felt his hands slip under my shirt and roam my chest before traveling back down to carefully pull off my shirt. I lifted my arms to help, and then pressed my body back against his. He kissed from my neck down to my shoulder. Pressing his lips there, he moved his hands down to quickly undo my jeans and push them off. I helped him get the down to my knees, and pushed them off the rest of the way. Once I was completely naked, he pulled me onto the bed and laid me down on my back under him. He reached for the bottle and put some of his hand. he brought his slick hand down. His hand hesitated, inches away from my hole ( _oh god it sounds so awkward_ ). He looked up.

“Are you ready?” he asked. I rolled my eyes and squirmed under him.

“Just get on with it, Cas”

He smirked and pressed his finger tip just on the edge and...it felt…

Not like I’d expected.

It wasn’t _bad_ , not at all, but it wasn’t amazing. It was good, nice, making me this weird mix of relaxed and tense. I pressed, testing the area, trying to get it to relax. once it had relaxed, he pressed his finger in a tiny bit, and moved it around in small circles. My breath hitched, more in anticipation of what the real thing might actually feel like than anything else. Cas heard this though.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his tone was full of concern. I nodded and took a deep breath, trying to relax as much as possible around his finger. He kissed me again, briefly.

“More,” I whispered. He licked his lips in anticipation. He pressed it in further, just past his first knuckle. I began to feel a more intense burn, and took another deep breath. He started to move it after a few seconds. I started noticing that as he got deeper, it felt better. I sighed.

He continued like that, circling his finger, stretching me out, slowly getting deeper and deeper until-

_Holy shit._

His finger had crooked upward slightly and hit what I assumed was my prostate, and I was hit with one of the most intense waves of pleasure I’d ever felt. I bit my lip, trying (unsuccessfully) to hold back a moan. He crooked his finger upward again, and I felt the same pleasure again.

“Fuck…” I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut.

“It’s good?” He asked, uncertainty in his tone.

“Y-yes… _fuck_.” I said as I lifted my hips to his finger. He added another finger inside me and held them still. I grit my teeth on the burn and tried my best to relax. After a few seconds, he started scissoring his fingers to stretch me out. After he added a third one, I just wanted more. I wanted all of him.

“Cas,” I groaned. he paused to look up at me, “More. I need you. _Now_.”

“Are you sure?” he asked after a pause. I nodded and brought him down to kiss me. He removed his fingers, and I felt a weird emptiness. He grabbed more lotion and spread it on himself. He sighed at the feeling of his hands on himself. He pressed himself on me and kissed me hard. I lifted my head, kissing him back. When I felt the tip of his dick press on my entrance, I groaned.

“Now. Cas, _Please_ ,” I begged. My fingers dug into his back.

Slowly, very slowly, he pressed the tip into my hole. I sucked in a breath. I wasn’t expecting it to be that tight. I tried my best to take deep breaths and relax around him. After about a minute, the pain was almost gone.

“More,” I moved my hips up. Hes pressed in more, very slowly, until he had bottomed out inside me. My teeth clenched. It was so hot, so full, so _tight_. It was almost too much.

I felt tender lips press on mine, comforting, soft. The warmth of his lips spread through me, and my body relaxed. I sighed into his lips as his hands trailed up my sides to rest on the sides of my neck. The kiss melted me and dulled the burn from his dick. It was slow, steady, and left my head spinning. By the time he pulled away, I was ready.

“ _Move_ ,” My voice was so rough it hardly sounded like my own. In response, he pulled his hips back, until just the tip was inside, and then pushed himself back in all the way.

“Fuck…” he mumbled. Something about him swearing was unbelievably hot. He pressed his forehead against my neck. “So good, Dean,” He brought his hands down and pressed his fingertips into my hips as he pulled back out and pushed in again, harder this time. He let out a sound that was a mix between a whine and a sigh. My hands laced themselves in his hair and I lifted my hips up to him. He found a steady rhythm quickly, and we moved together, my hips pushing up every time his pushed down. Every time he bottomed out inside me he hit my prostate, and each time it sent sparks to my every nerve, tearing me apart from the inside. My hands clenched in his hair and pressed him into my neck. I felt the vibrations of his groaning and his hot wet tongue on my neck, tracing my frantic pulse. It wasn’t long before the heat coiled around my dick was almost too much and I got closer and closer to the edge. I could feel the rhythm get more and more frantic, and from the noises Cas was making and the way his fingernails dug into my flesh, I knew he was close too.

“Cas…” I breathed, holding him closer to me, and that was all it took to send him over the edge. He came with a low groan, and when I felt his come shooting inside me, I came, stars exploding in my vision and shooting my come all over our chests. Cas slumped on top of me, his hands tracing my sides and pressing lazy kisses on my neck and shoulder. The grip I had on his hair fell, my arms slumped weakly on my sides.

“That was…” I trailed off, my brain too drunk on sex to think of the right words, “...good…” was all I managed. _Good enough description_. Cas chuckled and pushed himself up, I looked at him, and _god_ he looked beautiful after great sex. His hair stuck up in all directions, a lazy smile playing on his lips and eyes. He kissed me with love on his lips, and I kissed him back with just as much. When he finally pulled away, he rolled off of me to lay on his back. In the haze that my brain was in, I decided it was a good idea to cuddle, and turned to throw an around around him and rest my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes, completely content just to breathe him in and feel his skin. It was bliss. He was bliss.

_knock knock._

_shit._

_My eyes flew open and I sat up. I winced slightly at the soreness (Jesus Christ) and grabbed a pile discarded clothes. I tossed Cas his clothes and started throwing on mine,_

“Get dressed,” I hissed at him.

“Why?” he asked. I stopped tripping over my boxers for a split second. He looked completely lost. I growled slightly under my breath and pulled my boxers up. I ran over to Cas, who hadn’t even put anything on, and dragged him up to hide on the wall with the door, pushing him a little too harshly. “Dean, what-”

“Dean?” Sam called from the other side of the door. Shit.

“Gimme a second,” I said as I pulled on my shirt. I turned back to Cas and whispered, “stay here and don’t make a sound,” His eyebrows furrowed.

I pulled the door open, fixing my shirt.

“Hey,” I said as calmly as possible.

“Hey, have you seen Cas?”

“Nope. Haven’t seen him,” I spat out. Sam gave me a suspicious look and I held back a wince at how see-through I was being.

“Ok…” he started.

“Ok cool.” I slammed the door shut. My hand rested on the door as I took a sigh of relief.

“Dean, what was all that about?” he asked as he put of the rest of his clothes.

“Sam almost walked in on us… cuddling. _Naked_.” I replied. _He should really get something like this_. His confused expression didn’t change.

“Dean, you and Sam are brothers. You're closer than most are. Surely he’s walked in on you with a woman?” I felt my face get a little hot as I remembered the few times he’d walked in on me with some random chick I’d pick up. (Yeah, it happened. Neither of us liked it.)

“Well, yeah. That happens when you have to share a room all the time, but that wouldn’t make it any less awkward if he walked in on us. Especially when-”

I stopped myself from finishing that sentence. There was a long, extremely uncomfortable pause as we stared at each other, Cas’s expression growing more and more worried.

“Especially when what?” He asked, taking a step closer to me.

“Nothing. Forget it.” I turned away. “Sammy’s looking for you.”

“Dean.”

I didn’t see his face, but I knew by that tone that he was getting angry. I turned around. _Yep. Definitely pissed_. The space between us was even shorter than before.

“Finish that sentence.” He demanded. _Oh now he’s trying to be all threatening. Great._ I rolled my eyes.

“Or what, Cas? You’ll beat me up and mojo me better? teleport me to a freaking alley? You’re not an angel anymore, you can’t do shit.”

For a second, all the anger and rage went away. I saw what he was hiding behind. I saw blame, self-hatred, regret, fear. And guilt. So much guilt it was almost too much to look at. For that second I forgot about what we were arguing about, and all I wanted was to make that crippling guilt in his eyes go away. But it was gone instantly, pushed away and masked with anger. “I should never have brought you out of Hell,” he mumbled. I lost my shit. I shoved him away from me.

“You want to hear the rest of what I was going to fucking say?!” I shouted. I barely gave him time to respond when I blurted out, “Especially when you’re a fucking dude. Especially when you’re Castiel. And especially when I’m so humiliated by this whole fucking mess I can barely think the words, let alone tell my little brother Sammy!”

 _Shit. Shit what did I just fucking say?!_ The second the words came out of my mouth I wanted to take them back, but I couldn’t, so I just held my ground, staring at him angrily.

“Well, if you’re ashamed of us then we shouldn’t be together,” he finally said in a monotone voice. _Oh god, Cas, no. Please don’t. I need you, Cas. I love you_. I clenched my fists tightly.

“Get out,” I growled at him, turning my back. I heard footsteps, and I flinched at the sound of the door slamming. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t sit down. I didn’t move. I just stood there, fists painfully clenched, biting back tears. I was just taking a deep, shaky breath when their was another knock on the door.

“What?” I barked. I turned around to see Sammy standing in the doorway. For a split second I saw him reading me. He could tell I was hurt, and I had a feeling he suspected why. fucking great. I see him compose himself slightly and gesture behind him.

“Uh… Charlie’s here. She suggested that we all go out to a bar and celebrate. She’s actually pretty adamant about it.”

“Tell him if he doesn’t come I will kick his butt!” I heard her shout. I smirked. _That’s Charlie._ I shoved my hands in my pockets and nodded.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be out in a minute,” I told him, pushing my hands in my pockets, a wordless request for him to leave. I knew he knew what I was doing, but he only stood there. I could feel worry radiating from him.

“You okay, man?” He asked after a very long pause. I turned around to look at him. I could see it in the way he looked at me.

He knew.

He knew _something_. He’d obviously heard Cas and I yelling at each other, and I hoped to god he didn’t hear anything specific. Who the hell knew what he heard. My jaw tightened for a second at that thought. My eyes flickered down, then back up to Sam’s face.

“I uh… I found Cas,” I said, forcing out a breathless laugh. He looked to the side, raising his eyebrows and making that weird, sad smile that only Sammy did and returned my forced laugh.

“Yeah…” he trailed off, nudging the floor with his toe.

“I’ll be there. Just give me a minute,” I told him. He nodded and walked out, closing the door. For a second, all the anger and fear that was threatening to bubble out pushed forward, sticking my eyes and making me breathe faster. _No_. I told myself. I swallowed it up and pushed it down as far as it could go, forcing the calm to take over. _Maybe later, but definitely not now._ I took a deep breath, grabbed my jacket and walked out.

 


	17. Sam

I sighed and got up from the chair in the library. I needed my laptop to do more research on the Demon Elixir. It would have been smart to research it _before_ I took it, but I remembered being so desperate to just… _feel better_. I grabbed it and walked back to the library. I sat down and quickly opened it, not realizing that… someone else had been on it, and most likely forgotten to close out of the website. I quickly shut the tab and stared at the screen, now blank. _Thanks, Dean_. I opened up the internet and tried to look up the history of the Elixir and how much of a toll it could take o the body. Every time I searched a new thing, though, I would see the search history come up. It couldn’t really get out of my mind no matter how hard I tried. _Maybe I should ask Dean about it…_ I thought before I corrected myself. _No, Dean wouldn’t admit to that. I should talk to Cas._ I stepped out of the library and went to look for Cas.

After a few minutes of not finding him anywhere, I walked over to Dean’s room to see if he knew where Cas was. _Or maybe he’s in there with Dean…?_ I scratched that thought out of my head, knowing it was likely, but I didn’t want to think about why he’d be in there. I knocked on the door, waiting for Dean to come out. Behind the door, I heard whispering. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, but Cas was most definitely in there. Dean opened the door.

“Hey,” Dean said, clearly trying to remain calm.

“Hey, have you seen Cas?” I asked him

“Nope. Haven’t seen him,” he replied. _Play along,_ I thought. _You don’t want to force this out of him._

“Okay…” I started, before getting interrupted.

“Okay cool,” he said, before slamming the door in my face.

I took a few steps backwards and coughed. Dean’s room had smelled strongly of sex. _Okay Dean,_ I thought. _You clearly don’t want to tell me yet._

Just a few minutes later, I heard screaming coming from Dean’s room. I knew that the voices were him and Cas, which just confirmed my suspicion further, but I couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying. I tried to listen to them until I heard a knock on the door. It was Charlie.

“Hey, Charlie,” I told her. “What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing,” she said, smiling as she punched me in the arm. “I just thought we should all go celebrate that everyone’s here... and… alive.” She gave a half-smile and a small laugh.

 _Oh Charlie. An awkward, adorable nerd._ Not wanting to tell her no, I agreed.

“Yeah, sounds fun. Let me just get Dean.”

I stepped to the back room attached to Dean’s just in time to see Cas storm out. He had slammed the door, but it must have swung open somehow because it was wide open. I heard Dean sigh a little before I knocked on the door.

“What?” he nearly screamed at me. I looked at him, trying to decide if I should even ask him to go to the bar with us. After a few seconds of awkward silence, I spoke up.

“Uh… Charlie’s here. She suggested that we all go out to a bar and celebrate. She’s actually pretty adamant about it.”

“Tell him if he doesn’t come I will kick his butt!” I heard Charlie shout from the kitchen. I gave Dean a small smile and looked at him hopefully.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be out in a minute,” He told me, shoving his hands in his pockets. I could tell he was getting really uncomfortable. I could tell how badly he didn’t want me to know about him and Cas. In an effort to relax him, I spoke again.

“You okay, man?” I asked. He turned around and looked at me, obviously trying to gauge how much I truly knew.

“I uh… I found Cas,” He told me. I could tell that he was choking on every word. I knew that he had found Cas. He had probably “found Cas” in more ways than one. _Really, Sam?_  I thought to myself. That thought was weird.

“Yeah…” I said slowly when I realized I still hadn’t replied.

“I’ll be there. Just give me a minute,” He told me, clearly trying to get me out. I nodded and walked out, closing the door. I saw Charlie and Kevin standing in the kitchen. They were talking about something I couldn’t understand, so I left to make sure Crowley was tied up good enough for all of us to leave.

I threw open the door to the room where we had shoved Crowley. He looked up at me and immediately smiled, with a hint of a smirk. Not only that, but I thought I detected a hint of excitement. _What_? I walked over to him and, without saying a word, I bent over and pulled on the chains around his ankles.

“Hello Moose,” he said. I didn’t bother giving him a reply. I stood back up and grabbed his wrists, which were chained together. After a few minutes, I was about to turn and leave when I decided to say something.

“Don’t call me moo-”

I was interrupted by Crowley’s hands. They both shot up and over my head. He used the chain linking his wrists together to pull me forward and press his lips on mine.. He… _kissed me_. I could feel the chain digging into the back of my neck as I tried to pull away. Then, when he stopped, he pulled his hand back around my head.

“Sorry _Moose_ ,” he said with a smile. “I had to do that just once.”

I walked out without another word. After turning out the lights, I slammed the door, wiping my mouth and trying to wrap my head around what the hell just happened and why. Dean was right in front of me.

“Dude,” he said when he saw the bewildered look on my face. “What happened?”

“Crowley… just... _kissed me_ ,”I said, telling myself as well as Dean.. I tried not to imply that I thought homosexuality was bad, because I don’t. But Crowley, the king of Hell and the biggest dick in the world just kissed me.

“ _What_?” he finally said after a long pause.

“I went to make sure his chains were secure since we were going to be gone for a while, and he just…” I made a grabbing motion with my hands, “kissed me.” Dean’s jaw clenched and unclenched as he thought.

“I’m gonna kick his ass.” He finally said. He started turning on his heels, but I stopped him, pressing my hand on his chest.

“Dude, just leave it alone. It doesn’t matter.”

“Let’s just go,” I told Dean, who looked uncomfortable again. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was able to tell him about my kiss with Crowley, but he wasn’t able to tell me about his ex-angel boyfriend. The dude was a wreck.

I tried not to stare  at my brother as he drove to the bar. His jaw was clenched, his eyes locked firmly on the road, and tense arms suggested a multitude of things I wasn’t even sure about. I didn’t know why he was so mad, but my guess is that it had to do with Cas. Cas, his knight-in-shining armour. Cas, the only man I was sure Dean was in love with. Cas, who probably only ever loved Dean. I sighed and looked out the window, wanting to ask but knowing it was pointless. He wouldn’t want to talk about it. Especially not with Cas in the car, who sat behind me,  dead silent. He wasn’t even looking out the window. Quite honestly, it looked as though he was staring at the back of my head. As though he wanted it to blow up (which, considering the intensity in his eyes, I wouldn’t be surprised if it did). Charlie and Kevin were next to him, still talking to each other about some nerd-thing.  

“So, which bar are we going to?” I asked, trying to bring Dean out of his trance.

“Dad and Dudes,” he said. “Where else?”

I gave a small laugh, giving the best I could manage with how awkward I really felt.

We pulled into the bar and stepped out. I felt the cold air hit my face and blow my hair back. I shut the door and walked beside Dean. Sam, Charlie, and Kevin were walking behind us. Cas looked awkward, but comfortable. Like he felt a lot more safe with us. And, looking back, he probably did. We stepped in through the glass doors of the bar. I held the door open for everyone. Cas was the only person to mutter a cold “thank you.” We sat down at the bar stools and had one of the waitresses come take our order.

“Yeah, uh, We’ll take three Toffee Porters, one for me, Sam, and Charlie and um…”

Dean pulled back to interrupt Charlie and Kevin.

“Kevin,” he said. He looked up at him. “You okay with a soda?”

“Dr. Pepper,” Kevin replied before going back to his conversation.

“And a Dr. Pepper for Kevin,” Dean told the waitress.

“Coming right up,” she said.

“Thanks,” Dean said. He winked at her and gave his flirtatious smile. He was taking a sip of water when I asked him about Cas.

“What about Cas?” I asked.

Dean stopped and started choking on the water he was drinking. It really looked disgusting. Then I remembered that he had just started to hit on the waitress. _Damn it_ , I thought, _he thinks I’m talking about hitting on Cas._

“You didn’t order his drink,” I reassured him quickly, shoving Dean into the closet again.

“He can do it himself,” Dean snapped quietly. I decided to drop the subject. Faintly, Dean and I could hear a Queen song playing on the radio. Dean silently stared at his drink. Normally, we would be talking, but he looked like another word might make him snap, so I said nothing. Charlie and Kevin probably saw it too, which was probably why they were so interested in their own private conversation. I sighed and sipped my drink. I couldn’t help but notice that Dean kept shifting in his seat, as if it hurt to sit or something… _Sam, that’s weird. Stop_. I scolded myself internally. I also noticed that Cas kept staring at us. He kept glancing over, as if he expected some sort of magic to happen. As if Dean would go over and forgive him. He never did. And he wouldn’t. Not in public at least. I don’t even think Dean knew that Cas kept staring. More awkward shifting. More awkward silence. Awkward.

Without a word, Cas stood up and walked toward the DJ. I nudged Dean. He looked up at me and watched me stare Cas down.

“What’s he doing?” I asked Dean. All he did was shrug and go back to staring at his drink. I saw Cas hand the DJ a five dollar bill and come back. Just a few seconds later, a new song came on. The first few notes of _Hey Jude_ rang out. Dean froze. I practically stopped breathing. For a moment I was terrified that he was going to get pissed and storm off. _Please don’t, Dean. Cas is just trying to fix you guys up._

When Dean stood up and walked over to Cas, I was able to breathe again. They stood close, a little closer than they usually stood together, if that was possible. I couldn’t tell what they were talking about, but judging by Dean’s heart eyes and Cas’s hopeful expression, I could guess. It looked good, like they were actually communicating, which for Dean alone was a freakin’ miracle.

“Hey Sam,” Charlie butt in to my train of thought, “What’s going on between… them…?” Her voice trailed off when Dean put his hands on either side of Cas’s face and kissed him full on the mouth. I laughed to myself, watching as Dean and Cas stared at each other. After a few moments of silence, Dean began to walk back to where he was sitting. He was smiling, which was a relief to me considering I hadn’t seen any happy emotion in him for a few hours.

“It’s canon!” Charlie exclaimed excitedly as she threw her arms into the air. I tipped my glass to her and took a drink, agreeing with her wholeheartedly. Right after Dean sat down, Kevin walked up to me with a crisp ten dollar bill in his hand.

“Called it,” I told him, giving a mocking sort of smile.  he shoved the $10 in my hand and walked away, annoyed but happy. Dean gave me a look that said _Sam, what the hell was that?_ I ignored the look, figuring that he could probably assume what had happened.

“So,” I said, taking another sip of the toffee porter. “Are you just into dudes now?” He looked at me, his face filled with surprise. I could see everything he was thinking. _“Straight to that question? Not even going to ask how long we’ve been together or how long I’ve been lying to you? Are you really that okay with it?”_ I smiled, hopefully showing him that all that stuff didn’t matter to me at all. Finally he smiled a warm, thankful smile.

“Not really,” he said, a little softer. “It’s just Cas, actually.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you get an idea for a book, there are always different plot ideas and ways of approaching things. The thought that you have total control over characters blows my mind. Everything they say or do is under your power. Dean and Castiel have an unspoken love for each other that truly blows my mind. I have often seen FanFictions that have changed the way the characters act and behave. But I think that doing that is taking the easy way out. If an author (or in this case, authors) stays true to a character that has already been created, it’s a lot harder. Sometimes, there are points in your journey where you want to cry. There are times when you get excited about an idea that you got, and you just can’t wait to write it and publish it. For example, I finished Chapter 15 really quickly, because the ideas just kept flowing out of me. In this story, Dean and Cas kept going strong. Everyone turned out okay. Charlie visited often, excited about them dating. Eventually, Cas got good enough at fighting to hunt with them. Yay for happy endings, right? No Twist and Shout nonsense. We were excited to realize that our Fan Fiction would be done on Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone! Thank you for reading this, you guys. You have no idea how excited we would get at each individual hit on Archive of Our Own. Please, recommend this all over the place. Thank you for joining us on our adventure.   
> -oliviawins12
> 
>  
> 
> The beginning of the summer of 2013 I met Olivia. We became friends almost instantly, and soon I showed her Sherlock, and then Supernatural. As we talked about us, and how we interact, and how Dean and Cas interact, we realized something. I was Dean, and she was Cas. The similarities we had between them was weird, to be honest. We started calling each other Dean and Cas, we got even closer. One day I was hanging out at my house and she was hanging out at hers and she texted me saying, “We’re going to text roleplay. It starts when you reply” I thought it was a great idea, but I was kind of confused as to where we would be going with it. I got the idea of maybe telling a story with the texts. And then I thought, “hey, we could post them on Tumblr.” After a few weeks of posting, Olivia got the idea of turning it into an actual fanfiction. We thought it was so cool for the people reading the texts. They could read them, and then see the thoughts and actions behind those texts. they got to see what Dean thought when he first read the text “I love you”, or how Cas felt about Dean drunk-texted him at 10 pm. And then we got to add more. We got to add what happens after Cas gets kidnapped. Dean saving him, the sex (yum), everything that we thought would happen afterward. And now we’re done. Because of that single idea Olivia had, we’ve written a story that’s 100 pages on Microsoft Word, and 30,000+ words. So I just want to say thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for giving me the confidence to write so much when I can’t write an essay without breaking down to tears. If you’re reading this, I love you <3  
> -tifent16


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